August 10th, 2011 by admin

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Accounting For The Debt: A Sexual Abuse Collection

Accounting For The Debt: A Sexual Abuse Collection

Over the past 18 months, as the MWP volunteers and I have asked over a hundred women to tell us the stories of their lives, we've been repeatedly surprised by how often childhood sexual abuse has been a part of their pasts. Because many interviews at the MWP examine women's reactions to challenging circumstances in their lives — from disease to infertility to family losses — we felt that examining faithful LDS responses to childhood sexual abuse would be in keeping with our mission. Below, you will find three very different anonymous accounts of childhood circumstances, followed by an interview with Julie de Azevedo Hanks, an LDS therapist, who discusses themes and similarities among the three accounts. Julie, LCSW, is the director of Wasatch Family Therapy where she specializes in helping LDS women create emotional health and fulfilling relationships through therapy, workshops, writing and educating through the media. Married 22 years, Julie and her husband Jeff reside in Utah with their 4 children (ages 4-20).

We sincerely hope that the stories offered here as well as the professional LDS perspective will help open the doors to healing for other LDS women who might be searching for answers within their spiritual framework.

- Neylan McBaine, MWP Founder and Editor-in-Chief

Story #1

Bhí mé mí-úsáid ghnéasach ag mo athair as an am a bhí mé sé go dtí go raibh mé dhá cheann déag nó déag. Tá cara gar de mo mam chuaigh sí a insint di go raibh molested mo athair a iníonacha. Is cuimhin liom í mo dheirfiúr níos sine agus mé i ndiaidh a phlé linn, a fheiceáil má tharla sé ar a chur chugainn chomh maith. Tá mé trí deirfiúracha agus tá a fhios agam ach go raibh mí-úsáid mo dheirfiúr níos sine agus mé. Ní raibh mé riamh Labhair faoi sé le mo dheirfiúracha níos óige.

Cad é do mháthar imoibriú?

Bhris sé mo mam ar chroí; bhí sí mí-úsáid mar leanbh. Chun a fháil amach go raibh mí-úsáid a fear céile a cuid leanaí, bhí sé tubaisteach. Táimid Labhair ach riamh faoi sé go lá amháin toisc go raibh sé a leithéid de rud náireach. Níl mé cinnte cén fáth nach raibh rudaí a fháil glacadh chun na póilíní, bíodh sé ag a cara nó aici. B'fhéidir é sin an chaoi a bhí rudaí a déileáladh leis ina eispéireas. Cuimhin liom a dhéanamh léi ag cur dúinn chun labhairt leis an uachtarán gceist go luath tar éis go raibh sí labhair linn.

Cén fáth go raibh sí cinneadh a ghlacadh tú a fheiceáil ar an uachtarán gceist? Cad é an cuspóir na cuairte?

D'iarr sé orm má bhí mé aon mothúcháin crua i dtreo mo athair. Ghlac mé theastaigh sé dom a rá ar bith, mar sin rinne mé. Ar ndóigh, bhí mé mothúcháin crua! Bhí cónaí ar mo athair le linn ar feadh cúpla bliain níos mó go dtí go raibh sé gafa le haghaidh molesting cailín chomharsa.

An raibh scanraithe tú do athair? Cad é an gaol mhaith sa bhaile tar éis an mí-úsáid thángthas?

Rinne sé uair amháin níos mó le mí-úsáid dom a fheiceáil cad a d'fhéadfadh sé a fháil amach leis. Mé go hionraic ní raibh fuath aige go dtí sin. Tar éis a bhí mé chomh beag a dhéanamh leis agus is féidir. Ní dúirt mé mo mam faoi sin ach an oiread. Iompaigh sé amach molested sé go leor, go leor leanaí.

An raibh na híospartaigh gach leanbh comharsanachta? An ndearna tú fianaise a thabhairt ag a thriail?

Gabhadh é i lár na hoíche agus go raibh an ceann deireanach a chonaic mé air. Bhí sé isteach agus amach as an phríosún agus ar deireadh a chur i bpríosún. Sé curtha isteach agus amach as an phríosún ar feadh fiche bliain. Is mian liom a bhí againn mar chuid den triail, níl a fhios agam cén fáth nach raibh muid. Tá a fhios agam go raibh na páistí chomharsa mí-úsáid ghnéasach aige. D'oibrigh sé ag an ospidéal mar ardteicneolaíochta agus sílim go raibh líomhaintí ón ospidéal freisin.

An bhfuil struggled tú leis an gcaoi a bhí sé á láimhseáil ag an uachtarán gceist? An bhfuil Wonder tú dá mbeadh sé láimhseáil difriúil dá mbeadh sé faoi chosaint leanaí eile?

Nach bhfuil mé ag streachailt leis an gcaoi ar láimhseáladh é. Sílim go raibh sé den sórt sin am difriúil, agus sílim go raibh daoine an chuid is fearr a d'fhéadfadh siad. Rudaí a bhí a lán níos fearr ar fud an tí nuair a bhí sé imithe. Bhí sé deacair ar mo mam mar a raibh sí ina fanacht sa bhaile mam agus bhí sí anois ag obair a chur ar fáil as a cuid leanaí, ach an giúmar ar fud an tí i bhfad níos fearr.

Bhí tú sophomore i scoil ard nuair a chuaigh do athair chun jail. An raibh tú ag insint riamh aon duine nó teiripe a lorg?

Ní dúirt mé aon duine mar gheall ar an mí-úsáid. Ní anam. Bhí a fhios Tá cúpla mo chairde is gaire a bhí sé i bpríosún, agus b'fhéidir amhras siad, ach ní dúirt mé leo cén fáth. I mo thuairimse, bhraith sé chomh náireach mar gheall ar aon duine a labhair riamh faoi. Ní raibh mé in iúl go raibh sé ceart go leor a bheith ar buile nó maitheas a bheith trína chéile. Ní raibh mé in iúl go raibh sé fiú ceart go leor chun labhairt mar gheall air. Bhí sé ina rún. Nuair a fuair mé geallta, bhí a fhios agam ba chóir dom a rá mo fiancé, ach ní raibh mé cinnte conas.

Cén fáth ar mhothaigh tú go raibh sé tábhachtach a insint dó?

Níl mé cinnte cén fáth a mhothaigh mé an gá a insint dó. Bhí sé cosúil le sceitheadh ​​roinnt rúnda ollmhór. Bhí sé cosúil le Bhraith mé ciontach as a bhfuil sé tarlú dom. Bhí sé den sórt sin a cuid mhór de mo am atá caite. Bhí a fhios aige go raibh mo dhaid i bpríosún, agus gur fuath liom é. Cúpla mí roimh ár bainise thug mé faoi deara go raibh an Meirgire lorg earraí isteach ar maithiúnas. Scríobh mé rud éigin ar bun, ach ní raibh a sheoladh i. I mo thuairimse, Tá mé imithe ar ais agus amach ag amanna éagsúla i mo shaol i an méid a bhfuil mé maite mo fatherI scríobh mo alt ar iarraidh a logh. Thug mé cad a bhí scríofa agam do mo fiancé a léamh. Ní raibh sé a thabhairt ar aon sonraí maidir leis an mí-úsáid, ach go raibh mé mí-úsáid. Go raibh an chuid is mó mhaith liom a dúirt riamh duine ar bith.

Cad a bhí imoibriú do fiancé Fir? An raibh ceisteanna sé?

D'iarr sé cúpla ceisteanna, ach bhí sé den chuid is mó ach brónach dom. I mo thuairimse, shíl mé go raibh maite mé mo athair, ach go hionraic, níl mé cinnte má tá mé go hiomlán, fiú anois.

Cén chaoi a bhfuil do chaidreamh le do mháthair?

Tá mé aon saincheisteanna le mo mháthair. Tá sí i gcónaí mo charraig agus tá a fhios agam conas an saol crua a bhí ar a son. Bhí muid riamh labhair go fóill mar gheall air go dtí cúpla bliain ó shin nuair a dúirt mé léi go raibh mé ag dul go dtí teiripe. Bhí sí sásta dom agus dúirt sé gur mhaith rinne sí rud éigin dúinn níos luaithe a fháil, ach nach bhféadfaí rud ar bith. Theastaigh sí ann freisin go raibh rud éigin as a cuid, go bhféadfadh sí a bheith imithe go teiripe.

Cén chaoi a bhfuil do shaol tionchar a bhí ag an mí-úsáid d'fhulaing tú ag na lámha ar do athair?

Tá mé ag streachailt i gcónaí le féin-mheas. Ní raibh mé in ann a ghrá go fírinneach mé féin. Bhí mé an-neamhchinnte i ard agus ard scoil shóisearach. I mo thuairimse, chuaigh mé ar dhá dátaí i rith gach ceann de na scoile ard. Bhí mé i Bookworm mór; i teiripe d'fhoghlaim muid go bhfuil an bealach amháin réaltacht chun éalú.

Roimh agus tar éis mo misean a bhí mé ag déanamh go han-mhaith. Thaitin liom mé féin ansin agus bhí a lán de spraoi. Uaireanta, is dóigh liom tricked mé mo fhear céile i pósadh duine éigin nach bhfuil mé mar go raibh mé i cibé áit mhaith nuair a phós muid. Maidir le dhá bhliain tar éis phós muid, thosaigh muid ag iarraidh le haghaidh teaghlach. Fuair ​​depressed mé nuair a struggled againn le infertility. Bhí mo fear céile an ceann a thug mo dúlagar. Shíl mé díreach tar éis go raibh gach duine a bheith neamh-íogair. Theastaigh sé dom dul go dtí comhairleoireacht; Ní raibh mé ag iarraidh a. Bhí ar athraíodh a ionad againn, agus bhuail mé le cara in ár bharda nua. Bhí sí, agus mé ag caint oíche amháin tar éis a fháil le chéile. Figured muid go luath amach go raibh muid an dá saincheisteanna a ár n-aithreacha. Ar an bhfíric go fuath dúinn iad bhanna dúinn.

Mo chara a bhí i comhairleoireacht ar Sheirbhísí Teaghlaigh LDS. Bhí sí ag fáil réidh le dul chun trialach a hathair ar. Mhol sí comhairleoir a théann sí ar ghrúpa, Daoine Fásta Molested mar Leanaí, nó Amac. Bhí sé tiomantas ocht seachtaine. Cheap mo fear céile ba chóir dom dul, ach ní raibh mé thrilled.

Leanaí a mí-úsáid ghnéasach minic a bhraitheann náire ar cad a tharla dóibh mar leanaí. Níorbh fhéidir leat a mhíniú conas a mhíniú duit conas a mhothaigh gur náire duit?

Dhá bhliain déag ina dhiaidh sin bhí sé fós ina rún náireach. Bhealach Bhraith mé go toisc go raibh mé ag mí-úsáid, bhí mé lochtach. Bhraith mé mar nach raibh mé chomh maith le duine nach raibh a mí-úsáid. I mo thuairimse, toisc go raibh sé chomh rúnda bhraith sé cosúil ní mór sé rud éigin uafásach

Cad é do chéad chruinniú mhaith? Cén chaoi a raibh tú ag mothú?

Sular thosaigh an nuachtghrúpa bhuail mé leis an oibrí sóisialta agus bhí a insint di mo scéal. Bhí sé ag plé go mór dom. Ní raibh mé in iúl duine ar bith sonraí. Bhraith mé yucky an lá ar fad roimh agus tar éis.
Is cuimhin liom an chéad chruinniú ghrúpa. Bhí sé go léir chomh awkward. Bhí cailín ann a bhí sa ghrúpa teiripe caite. Bhí sí ann le cineál a thaispeáint dúinn na rópaí. Thosaigh muid le paidir. Ansin, rinne muid na rialacha ghrúpa, mar nach bhféadfaí tú a insint do dhuine ar bith an méid a dúradh sa ghrúpa. Labhraíomar faoi cad atá le déanamh má bhí ar siúl againn i duine éigin ag ócáid ​​séipéal, ba chóir dúinn aitheantas a thabhairt dóibh nó nach bhfuil? An cailín a bhí ina tríd a dúirt roimh, "Ná bíodh imní ort! Faoi dheireadh beidh tú in ann chun labhairt faoi sé le duine ar bith. "Is cuimhin liom smaoineamh," Riiiight. "Ach bhí sí sin ceart. Féach ar dom anois! Cé go bhfuil an t-agallamh seo gan ainm do mo theaghlach ar mhaithe, tá mé de ghnáth ar oscailt go leor mar gheall air.

Cad é an próiseas an ghrúpa? Cén chaoi a raibh sé ag obair?

Bheadh ​​gach bean seachtain amháin a roinnt ar a scéal leis an ngrúpa agus ansin ba mhaith linn dul thart ar an mbord agus a aiseolas dearfach a thabhairt. Bhí plé treoraithe lenár oibrí sóisialta freisin. Nuair a bhí sé ar mo sheal a bhí mé terrified mar gheall go raibh riamh a dúirt mé aon duine eile seachas mo fhear céile agus mo teiripeoir faoi mo mí-úsáid. Bhí mé a nótaí a scríobh amach an oíche roimh ionas go bhféadfaí mé a bheith cinnte a roinnt go léir ag iarraidh mé a. Nuair a bhí sé ar a dtugtar níos mó ná bean mo dhaid pedophile. Bhí mé riamh cé ar sé mar sin, ach bhí sí ceart.

Ní raibh mé ag mothú iontach ceart ar shiúl; Bhí sé ina lá garbh agus aicme garbh. Gach seachtain ba mhaith liom a ghlacadh leis na mban scéalta liom agus iad a ghlacadh chun croí. Mo chara agus mé ar a dtugtar ár tinneas cinn agus heartaches an lá tar éis ghrúpa 'hangovers Amac', a cured againn go minic le donuts Krispy Kreme.

In ainneoin go léir an briseadh croí, i insint mo scéal Chuaigh mé ó bheith ina íospartach le bheith ina marthanóir. Bhí sé a thuilleadh rúnda Uafásach. Bhí sé anois rud éigin a tharla dom san am atá caite a bhí múnlaithe go bhfuil mo shaol, ach a thuilleadh go raibh an eilimint a shainmhíniú. Ár teiripeoir a dúirt é ár fuinnimh i saol cosúil le bolgán solais 100 vata agus hiding do mhí-úsáid úsáidí 80 vata. Gur bhraith ceart dom, bhí mé i gcónaí tuirseach agus draenáilte. Bhí mé ar bís go bhfuil níos mó wattage anois. Ní raibh sé tarlú thar oíche, ach is dóigh liom go bhfuil mo shaol ach a bheith ag dul suas ó shin i leith. Tá mé marthanóir.

I insint mo scéal Chuaigh mé ó bheith ina íospartach le bheith ina marthanóir.

An raibh a insint ar an scéal an méid a rinne sé níos lú náireach?

I mo thuairimse, mar sin de. Sílim go raibh sé ar an bpróiseas ar fad, a bhaint amach nach bhfuil tú i d'aonar. Ba é an teiripeoir ag insint dúinn go raibh sé ceart go leor a bheith acu ar na mothúcháin a rinne muid, ar fad an bhailíochtaithe.

An raibh tú ag tuiscint a fháil ar chomh maith agus a inmheánú ansin nach raibh sé do locht?

Ag cur lipéad fíor ar mo dhaid, a bhaint amach a bhí sé ina pedophile fíor chabhraigh liom. Labhair muid faoi conas creachadóirí gas n-íospartaigh, conas a fhéachann siad le haghaidh rudaí áirithe. An teiripeoir mhúin dúinn nach raibh sé ar ár locht is cuma cén. Fiú más rud é nach raibh linn a rá, ní raibh sé ar ár locht.

Cén pháirt a rinne creideamh agus do chaidreamh leis Athair ar Neamh imirt i do shaol ag an am sin?

Go hionraic, ba é seo an am nach raibh mé ag mothú go léir go gar do Athair ar Neamh. Ach tá sé suimiúil mar gheall ar an teiripeoir a úsáidtear i gcónaí scriptures a bhailíochtú agus cabhrú linn. Bhí sí an-spioradálta faoi agus d'fhéadfadh a thabhairt i gcónaí ar an spiorad i. An lámhleabhar a úsáid againn i Amac bhí go leor de earraí agus cainteanna ó cheannairí séipéal.

An bhfuil tú ag streachailt leis an mí-úsáid ó dul tríd an ghrúpa 7 mbliana ó shin? An mbraitheann tú atá tú in ann a logh athair?

Sea, tá mé ag streachailt go fóill leis fiú féin. Ár teiripeoir mhúin dúinn go bhforbraíonn do inchinn difriúil má tá tú mí-úsáid mar leanbh. Sílim go mbeidh mé ag streachailt i gcónaí leis sin. Mé ag streachailt go fóill le forgiving mo athair. Conas a d'fhéadfadh duine éigin a dhéanamh lena leanbh féin? Tá mé trína chéile mar gheall ar an struggles lingering le dúlagar agus fiú féin ba chúis sé i mo shaol. Milleán mé air sin.

Cén chaoi a bhfuil do chaidreamh le do theaghlach anois? An bhfuil tú in ann chun cabhrú le do dheirfiúr níos sine a bhí mí-úsáid freisin?

Rachaidh mé chomh maith go maith le mo theaghlach anois. Mo dheirfiúr níos sine struggles fós go leor. Labhair muid ar deireadh faoi mo Amac faoi bliain ó shin. Dúirt sí gur mhaith léi a ghrá chun dul go dtí rud éigin mar sin, ach ní raibh sé ar fáil nuair a sí ina cónaí. Is mian liom a bhí sé i ngach áit; Ní féidir liom béim ar conas iontach a bhí sé. Cuidíonn an Atonement mar tá a fhios agam ar Neamh Athair agus Íosa tuiscint a fháil ar mo struggles. Is breá leo dom agus a thuiscint nach bhfuil rudaí éasca dom. Tá siad othar agus ní bheidh a thabhairt suas nuair a theipeann orm arís agus arís eile. Tugann an aiséirí súil dom gur féidir le mo inchinn a healed lá amháin agus is féidir liom teacht ar grá mé féin mar a dhéanann siad.

Scéal # 2

Mo mí-úsáid ghnéasach leanaí mhair ar feadh thart ar 10 mbliana, idir aois a 2 go dtí thart ar 12 ag daoine a muinín mé go mbeadh grá dom agus aire a thabhairt dom. Bhí sé i gcónaí an-rún agus taobh thiar de dhoirse dúnta agus gan aon duine a dúirt riamh aon rud. Mar sin, ar an bhfíric go raibh sé le daoine go bhfuil grá agam agus muinín a rinne sé i ndáiríre devastating dom.

Inis dom faoi do thimpeallacht baile ag fás aníos. Ar tháinig tú ó bhaile seasmhach?

Bhuel, tháinig mé ó bhaile nuair is mo thuismitheoirí grá go mór liom agus bhí siad ag déanamh an chuid is fearr go bhféadfadh siad leis an méid a bhí siad ag an am. Bhí mo athair an alcóil gníomhach go dtí go raibh mé thart ar 7 agus fós go raibh roinnt fadhbanna eile tar éis stop sé ag ól. D'oibrigh mo mam go crua chun a choinneáil ar ár teaghlaigh le chéile agus a íoc billí agus a bheith ina mamaí. Go hionraic, ní raibh aon smaoineamh cad a bhí ar siúl le liom.

Tá mé dhá deartháireacha níos óige. Níl a fhios agam má bhí siad an taithí céanna. Ní raibh siad i ndáiríre ann nuair a bhí mé i lár mo thaithí. Tá sé uathúil, rud ar leith ionas gur féidir liom labhairt ach amháin le haghaidh mé féin.

Ar mhothaigh tú gur féidir leat muinín riamh do mháthair nó a insint di cad a bhí ar siúl?

Chun daoine nach raibh a dtaithí féin leis an mí-úsáid ghnéasach, is cosúil go soiléir gur chóir duit a iarraidh a insint duine éigin cad atá ar siúl. Ach nuair a bhíonn tú ag dul tríd é féin níl cuid de tú go bhfuil sin náire, agus mothaíonn chomh briste, damáiste, mícheart, ach toisc go raibh tú ann, cé nach raibh sé do locht. "Salach" Is é i ndáiríre an focal a thagann chun áireamh. Tá sé beagnach le mothú cosúil le mian leat chun tú féin a chosaint freisin faoi deara nach bhfuil tú ag iarraidh ar aon duine a fhios go raibh tú mar chuid de, fiú amháin más rud é go raibh iachall sé ar tú, fiú amháin más rud é nach raibh tú ag iarraidh é.

A lán de na mná tá mé Labhair go bhfuil na sraitheanna ar sraitheanna de creidimh bréagach. Agus is é an chéad creideamh "Ní dóigh liom go bhfuil aon luach, ní féidir liom fiú." Tá rud eile a inmheánú tú go bhealach é seo mo locht. Bhealach Tá mé cailín olc, agus éiríonn an rud ar fad an snáth fite de luíonn agus tá sé beagnach cosúil dtosaíonn tú a chosaint ar an rún freisin. Ní mian leat do dhaoine a fháil amach. Nuair a bheidh tú taithí sin mar leanbh, agus tú ag inis gan a insint, dar leat, mar sin helpless go gcreideann tú sin a luíonn. Ní gá duit na focail a mhíniú do dhuine fásta. Má raibh mé riamh iarracht a insint mo mam, bhí sé ar bhealach doiléir. Bhí a fhios agam ach gur bhraith mé go raibh mé a choinneáil ar an rún. Tá a fhios agam mo mháthair: dá mbeadh a dúirt mé léi, go mbeadh sí a dhéanamh chun aon ní a cabhrú liom agus mé a chosaint.

Mar leanbh, cén chaoi a fhios agat go bhfuil an rud go bhfuil cearr? An bhfuil sé sin go díreach a insint do dhaoine duit tá sé ina rún, nó an bhfuil guth comhfhiosach insint duit tá sé mícheart?

D'fhéadfadh an comhlacht cúig bliana d'aois, ach tá an spiorad taobh istigh de tú síoraí. Agus a fhios ag an spiorad agus tá mothú ar cad atá sábháilte agus nach bhfuil sábháilte. Am ar bith, níl ghníomhaíocht mar seo go bhfuil dorchadas an oiread sin thart agus páirteach ann, go bhfuil an spiorad íogair do na fuinnimh. Is cuimhin liom uair amháin, duine éigin ag siúl isteach sa seomra agus bhraith mé a n-intinn agus bhraith mé go dorchadas agus chuaigh sé díreach isteach i eagla. Tá sé níos mó ná taithí fhisiciúil toisc go bhfuil sé den sórt sin sárú ar an grá Dé agus solas agus beannaitheacht, a fhios ag an spiorad mar gheall ar é a leibhéal na hintleachta. Mar sin, taithí agat ar go leor de na leibhéil mar gheall ar fiú má tá sé nua go fisiciúil, mothúchánach a fhios agat go bhfuil rud éigin mícheart.

Cén cineál leanbh a bhí tú?

Bhí mé i mo leanbh an-teacht aniar. Bhí mé díreach mar a. Bhí mé ag iarraidh i gcónaí a bheith ina cailín maith beag. Bhí mé dócha gur ceann de na páistí go mbeadh aon duine amhras riamh a bheadh ​​ina íospartach den chineál seo iompar. Bhí mé an chéad uachtarán seminary mná i mo scoil ard. Bhí mé ar scoláireacht iomlán-turas go Coláiste Ricks. Bhí mé ag iompar ach na domhain, rúin domhain go raibh mé an-mhaith ag clúdach suas.

A ligean ar labhairt faoi do leighis. Cathain a chuaigh tú a thuiscint go raibh an rud is gá duit a aghaidh a thabhairt go díreach?

Seo an méid a fhios agam le haghaidh áirithe: is féidir leat a chruthú agus is féidir leat an obair chomh crua a chruthú saol maith - a bhí mé gníomhach san Eaglais, bhí mé pósta le duine mór, agus bhí dhá páistí go hiontach - ach ní féidir leat a fháil amach as an nimh go laistigh tú. Cad a fuair mé go raibh ar an taobh amuigh a bhí mé ag obair i ndáiríre go crua ag an saol foirfe pictiúr - ag dul ar an teach glan, a ardú mo chuid páistí, ag déanamh mo chuid oibre féin - ach bhí mé saincheisteanna taobh istigh nach raibh mé ag míniú. Bhí depressed mé a lán, bhí mé tuirse i ndáiríre domhain, bhí amanna mhaith liom a bheith go poiblí, agus ba mhaith liom a shárú le eagla dian cé nach raibh a fhios agam cén fáth. Bhí mé swings giúmar agus uaireanta mhaith liom a bheith díreach fíneáil sásta nóiméad amháin agus ansin an nóiméad seo chugainn ba mhaith liom a líonadh le fearg agus a fhágáil ar an seomra.

Bhí sé mar an gcéanna i mo fichidí go dtí an leibhéal sin dúlagar, fuair sin swings giúmar dona, go raibh mé a iarraidh mé féin na ceisteanna a bhí mé riamh sásta a iarraidh mé féin roimh. Ag an bpointe sin, ní raibh mé aon chuimhne de mo traumas óige. Cad a tharlaíonn go leor íospartach tráma is é sin, chun dul i ngleic leis an taithí, beidh do subconscious adhlacadh iad an-mhór go dtí go bhfuil tú réidh a leigheas. Go dtí go bhfuil tú réidh a leigheas, tá sé i ndáiríre a disservice a bheith acu ag tosach d'intinn toisc nach bhfuil a fhios agat conas déileáil leo.

I síceolaíocht tá sé coitianta do cuimhní traumatic a bheith curtha ionas gur féidir linn dul i ngleic, ach uaireanta faigheann go mechnanism cosanta i do bhealach mar a cheapann tú go bhfuil más rud é nach féidir leat cuimhneamh ar an tráma go soiléir, b'fhéidir go raibh tarlú. B'fhéidir go raibh sé ach aisling aisteach. Tá tú ag tabhairt aghaidhe ar an dúshlán a bhaineann le iarbhír a chreidiúint cad tá tú ag cuimhneamh, agus ansin a fháil daoine eile a chreideann tú. Mar shampla, beidh strus iar traumatic i saighdiúirí a bheidh mar thoradh ar uaireanta a shutting amach an bhliain ar fad. Is meicníocht marthanais is gá, ach ciallaíonn sé go bhfuil tú i do chónaí i denial agus tógann sé a lán de misneach a iarraidh ar fiú na ceisteanna.

Is í an fhírinne go raibh mé bliain de mo óige go bhfuil mé nach bhféadfaí cuimhneamh ach ar chor ar bith. Mo intinn t síos an chuimhne ar fad é. Ar deireadh ag aois 25, bhí mé ag aisling dÚsachtach agus cuimhní cinn a bhí ag teacht ar an dromchla, agus ghuigh mé ar deireadh, "Athair, is gá mé díreach tar éis roinnt de chineál leighis." Bhí mé ag guí chun cneasaigh ó dúlagar agus imní sóisialta, ach bhí mé Bhí toilteanas chun breathnú ar cibé an culprit fíor agus mar sin tháinig na cuimhní cinn ar ais ar a gcuid féin.

Cad iad na huirlisí a d'úsáid tú ag an bpointe seo, nuair a thosaigh na cuimhní cinn ar ais?

Bhí mé an mothú go raibh mé mí-úsáid agus chuaigh mé a fheiceáil síceolaí. Mar bean óg, ní raibh mé féin a aithint mar íospartach mí-úsáid ghnéasach. Go tháinig i mo fichidí déanach. Roimhe sin, bhí a fhios agam go raibh mo dhaid alcóil agus go raibh mo theaghlach fadhbanna agus bhí mé an eagla domhain go raibh mé gur íospartach de mhí-úsáid ghnéasach. Bhí mé freisin aisling randamach uaireanta go bhfuil an chuma i ndáiríre fíor, agus ba mhaith liom dúisigh i scaoll, ach ní raibh mé féin a aithint mar íospartach. Ní raibh mé ag ceangal go raibh na fadhbanna a bhí mé ag ag an am sin a bhaineann leis na aisling.

Cuireadh tús leis an bpróiseas féin-aithint mar íospartach mí-úsáid faoi nuair a bhí mé 30, mar sin cúig bliana ó shin. I dtús báire, chuaigh mé a fheiceáil síceolaí do dúlagar agus labhair muid díreach, agus tar éis d'fhág mé a oifig a dúirt an spiorad liom, "Anois, tá tú réidh chun cuimhneamh orthu." Agus thar an chéad chúpla lá a chonaic mé na cuimhní cinn i mo aigne, nuair a bhí mé awake, agus ansin admhaigh mé go raibh a fhios agam. Bhí sé a thuilleadh faoin dromchla. Sin an fáth go bhfuil sé chomh deacair do roinnt daoine a cneasaigh mar gheall ar go mheicníocht sábháilteachta na forgetting. Sílim go raibh sé toisc go raibh mé ar deireadh in áit ina raibh mé in ann glacadh le roinnt cabhrú leat.

Ní raibh tú gur mhaith leat d'fhéadfá dul chuig do mháthair tar éis do teagmhais le do athair. Cad é atá tú a dhéanamh i do ghaol le do iníonacha a dhéanamh cinnte go mbraitheann siad gur féidir leo teacht a thabhairt duit?

Mé iarracht i ndáiríre a chaitheamh go leor ama leo ach ag caint faoina saol. Tá sé deacair toisc nach bhfuil mé máthair nádúrtha. Níl sé éasca dom a chothú dóibh, ach déan iarracht mé a bheith i ndáiríre ar oscailt go háirithe le mo is sine, a tá 11, faoi gach rud. Nuair a labhair mé le mo is sine faoina collaíochta, troscadh mé an lá ar fad. I mo thaithí féin, mo mam riamh a thabhairt suas an t-ábhar a dhéanamh liom.
Bhí mé cara a dúirt sé, "Tá aon duine baint leanbh míchuí dona ag an nóiméad sin." Thóg sé tamall orm a thuiscint go bhfuil, go fiú má tá do daidí nó do col ceathrar nó duine éigin a bhfuil muinín agat atá deas baint de ghnáth tú i bhealach míchuí, go bhfuil siad dona ag an nóiméad. Sílim go bhfuil tábhachtach a roinnt go le do na páistí. Féadfaidh siad a cheapann toisc go bhfuil an duine sin de ghnáth go maith leo, nach féidir dul chun cinn gnéasach a bheith mícheart, agus ansin a bhraitheann siad ciontach nó mearbhall faoi mothú míchompordach. Ag brath mé ar an Spiorad nuair atá mé ag múineadh mo chuid páistí na rudaí seo. Sin an t-aon bhealach is féidir liom é a dhéanamh.

Comhrá le Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW.

Ó do thaobh mar teiripeoir gairmiúil, cad iad na snáitheanna comónta a rith tríd na trí cuntais éagsúla de mhí-úsáid ghnéasach leanaí?

Tá náire an téama is coitianta. Tá náire an taithí forleatach de na scéalta agus na gcliant mé ag obair leis thar na blianta, chiall seo go bhfuil toisc go raibh duine éigin a thabhairt duit, tá tú olc agus a shealbhú tú roinnt de na freagrachta. Agus ag cur leis sin, cé go bhfuil tionchar náire a gcaidreamh leis na gar dóibh.

Bhí cáilíochtaí ar leith sna scéalta a tugadh go raibh siad trí eispéiris éagsúla, ach dom mar teiripeoir bhí go léir an-eolach. Tá mé go raibh cliaint a bhfuil léargas orthu gach ceann de na cineálacha éagsúla.

Lig dom iarrann tú faoi Scéal # 3. Cé chomh minic is a dhéanann tú a fháil gcás ina tá bhí taithí aon-uaire go bhfuil a bhí den sórt sin tionchar ar an íospartach?

Tá sé coitianta go leor! Le daoine a bhí mí-úsáid ach aon uair amháin, streachailt siad leis an gceist, "Bhí mé ag mí-úsáid ach aon uair amháin, mar sin cén fáth go raibh sé den sórt sin tionchar ar orm?" Tá sé deacair a thuiscint nach bhfuil an mhinicíocht an tsaincheist. Is Mí-úsáid sárú ar do chorp agus do spiorad, cibé acu a tharla sé uair amháin nó amanna éagsúla. Mar an gcéanna, níl a creideamh i measc na n-íospartach go raibh sé "ach" fondling nó "amháin" touching mar sin ní raibh sé chomh dona is a d'fhéadfadh sé a bheith. Ach tá an fhírinne nach bhfuil an leibhéal mí-ábhar; Is é an freagra cad ábhair. Tá mé go raibh cliaint a bheith d'fhéach sé ar go gnéasach, gan aon touching, agus tá sé fós horribly trámach.

Cad é do fhreagra go sonrach leis an gcoincheap a tugadh isteach i scéal # 2, an smaoineamh go bhféadfadh go mbeadh traumas mhothúchánach doimhin-suí a réiteach ar deireadh thiar iad féin i fásta tríd an gcuimhne a aisghabháil?

Mar teiripeoir riamh, is féidir liom rud ar bith go sonrach a mhealladh cuimhní traumatic ach creidim go cuimhne againn agus cuimhnigh eispéiris áirithe nuair a bhíonn muid réidh a phróiseáil orthu. I mo thuairimse, iad mboilgeog suas nuair a bhíonn an cliant réidh. Na fíricí mar gheall ar an méid a tharla i ndáiríre ábhar i bhfad níos lú ná an chliaint taithí suibiachtúla. Mar an teiripeoir, tá mé a iarraidh mé féin, "Cad a dhéanann an taithí mhothúchánach chiallaíonn leo?" Níl pointe beag i díriú ar tochailt i gach ceann de na fíricí. Nuair a leanbh a bheith mí-úsáid ag aois i gcás nach bhfuil an teanga le cur síos ar cad atá ag tarlú, uaireanta tá siad chun fanacht go dtí go bhfuil siad creat ina bhfuil a phróiseáil an taithí.

Rud eile a bhí suimiúil a thabhairt dom faoi Scéal # 2 ná go raibh an bhean go leor mac léinn rathúil i scoil ard. Is minic a shamhlú muid íospartaigh mhí-úsáid ag siúl timpeall le stampaí mór ar a forehead, ag insint dúinn go bhfuil siad ina íospartach. An bhfuil aon bhealach duine éigin ón taobh amuigh a bheith íogair do riachtanais an íospartaigh mí-úsáid fiú amháin más rud é nach bhfuil siad le feiceáil wounded ar an taobh amuigh?

Níl speictream iomlán de na bealaí is féidir mí-úsáid ghnéasach i bhfeidhm ar dhaoine. Ar taobh amháin den speictream tá tú daoine a théann isteach i modh perfectionist, overachieving, mar tá siad a chruthú a fiú. Ní mór dóibh a chruthú go bhfuil siad maith go leor mar níl rud éigin níos doimhne taobh istigh go mothaíonn damáiste. D'fhéadfadh a cur síos a dhéanamh bean # 2. Ag an taobh eile den speictream bhfuil daoine a bhfuil níos lú feidhmiúla, a fháil go leanúnach i caidrimh i gcás ina bhfuil siad mí-úsáid i bhfoirm éigin, agus coimeádann an mí-úsáid athrá agus athrá. Níl dúlagar agus iompar féin-millteach a théann leis na patrúin leanúnach a dhéanamh ar mhí-úsáid. Athrá ar an mí-úsáid atá beagnach mar iarracht chun é a fháil ar dheis: "B'fhéidir go mbeidh duine éigin a chosaint dom an am nó b'fhéidir go mbainfidh mé ag seasamh suas do féin." Tá na dhá foircinn an speictrim, agus ar ndóigh daoine is mó a titim áit éigin idir eatarthu. Tá sé ar fad mar iarracht cé a leigheas go tráma.

A ligean ar dul go dtí an uillinn spioradálta de do chur chuige teiripe. Cad a cheapann tú faoi Scéal # 2 ar ráitis go fiú mar leanbh óg, bhí a fhios aici cad a bhí ag tarlú a bhí olc mar go bhfuil a spiorad síoraí. Cad é, dar leat, labhraíonn do leanbh agus insíonn dóibh cad atá ag tarlú go bhfuil cearr?

Sílim go bhfuil sé solas Chríost. Tá rud éigin i dúinn a insíonn dúinn go bhfuil rud éigin go maith nó nach bhfuil rud éigin go maith. Tá againn go léir go. Tá sé mearbhall go háirithe do pháistí óga nuair a bhíonn siad mí-úsáid ag duine a bhfuil muinín acu, mar gheall ar na páistí breathnú suas do bhaill teaghlaigh mar eiseamláirí. Mar sin, má tá daidí molesting leanbh agus tá guth iontu insint dóibh rud éigin nach ceart an leanbh sin, gurb é tátal an leanbh go gcaithfidh sé a bheith í féin atá an locht. Ní féidir é a athair mar gheall ar riachtanais sí dó, braitheann sí air chun maireachtáil go fásta.

Sin an fáth Is maith liom cad a bhean # 3 a deir: "Má tá duine éigin a bhfuil muinín agat atá deas de ghnáth baint leat ar bhealach míchuí, go bhfuil siad dona ag an nóiméad."

Déileálann Do chleachtas céatadán mór na n-othar LDS mar an margadh tú féin a bheith LDS. Cad iad cuid de na huirlisí nó straitéisí a úsáideann tú nuair a thagann cliant LDS chun tú a leigheas ó mhí-úsáid ghnéasach?

Mar an teiripeoir ag obair le daoine go domhain spioradálta, ní féidir liom iarracht a dheighilt ón spioradálta agus mhothúchánach. Rud amháin is féidir liom a spreagadh ar an cliant chun labhairt le Dhia mar dhuine. Nuair a bhíonn na páistí bheith mí-úsáid ag fear, gcuireann sé lena gcuid taithí le Dia mar Athair Ar Neamh. Claonadh a bhíonn againn go tionscadal ar Neamh Athair whoever ár n-athair earthly. Déanaim iarracht chun cabhrú le mo chliaint ar leith spioradálta a Athair ar Neamh as a n-athair earthly, agus iniúchadh a dhéanamh ar an smaoineamh go bhfuil sé go hiomlán difriúil ón lucht créachtaithe, athair earthly neamhfhoirfe. Fiú más rud é nach raibh an mhí-úsáid gá athair, is é an mí-úsáideoir minic figiúr údarás fireann tábhachtach agus mar sin tá sé ríthábhachtach chun caidreamh pearsanta le Dia a fhorbairt lasmuigh de na lionsa an mí-úsáid.

Nuair a bhíonn na páistí bheith mí-úsáid ag fear, gcuireann sé lena gcuid taithí le Dia mar Athair Ar Neamh.

Sin téama mé le feiceáil le daoine de chreidimh: beidh siad taithí ar Neamh Athair ar an mbealach go bhfuil siad taithí a n-athair earthly agus / nó a gcuid mí-úsáideoir. Tá sé scary, tá sé rúnda, tá sé pionósach. Agus chuireann isteach go bhfuil ar a gcumas a bheith acu taithí grámhara leis an Athair ar Neamh.

Tá idirghabháil eile a úsáid mé go leor le beagán a spreagadh an cliant a bheith acu comhrá le di féin níos óige ag cibé aois a bhí sí mí-úsáid. Inis mé di a bheith go nurturer fásta nach féidir léi a bhí ina óige. Tá sí an duine fásta ag caint leis an leagan níos óige féin, empathizing agus ag insint an leanbh nach bhfuil sé a locht. Tugann sé seo di comhthéacs don mí-úsáid agus a chothú mhothúchánach go bhfuil sí is dócha nach raibh roimh.

Cé chomh tábhachtach is atá teiripe le cneasaithe spioradálta? Tá sé níos lú forleatach lá atá inniu ann, ach glúine tá an tuiscint go má tá tú ag déanamh na rudaí bunúsacha a bhfuil tú ag ceaptha a bheith ag déanamh go spioradálta - léamh do scrioptúir, ag dul go dtí séipéal, etc - nár cheart duit teiripe ghairmiúil.

I honestly think that's ridiculous. No one would say, if you were in a traumatic car accident, “Don't get that broken femur set. If you can get to the temple your ribs won't be crushed anymore.” This stigma of therapy is changing more slowly in LDS culture. I'm really passionate about this and I've spoken for a decade to LDS women's groups about demystifying therapy and getting rid of the shame of therapy. We're not putting on our dark glasses to slip into the dentist's office unnoticed cause we're ashamed of getting a filling. We shouldn't be ashamed to take care of the emotional or mental health either. I always do a little cheer when I hear our leaders in General Conference that professional therapy is a needed part of healing.

If we have a reader here who has unresolved trauma from sexual abuse, what would you counsel her to do?

I would suggest she talk to someone about it. Share the experience with a friend, her bishop, her therapist, her spouse. It's so important to start talking, to get it outside of you. It's like a cancer that sits inside and grows. One of the first step to healing is actually sharing, getting it out of you, in a relationship of trust.

So many women think, “It happened so long ago, it doesn't make a difference.” But I can't tell you how often it happens that the mother is abused as a child, and then the daughter is abused as well. I've seen countless families where abuse repeats itself through generations if it's not dealt with. The idea that if you don't tell anyone about it is won't impact your life or your children's lives is simply not true. The best thing you can do to make sure it doesn't impact your children is to heal yourself. It's eerie how often a daughter is abused at the same age as the mother was abused. Life gives us chances to heal. Don't turn away from opportunities to heal.

If you're suffering alone because of sexual abuse, please reach out and share your story, just like these brave women have done. Part of why sexual abuse is so damaging is because it interferes with your ability to trust and can leave you feeling disconnected from yourself, and from the very people who can help you heal. We need each other. We heal through loving relationships with family and friends, with trusted professionals, and through our deep connection with Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ.

If you would like to get in touch with one of the women in this collection, email mwpeditor at gmail dot com. Julie de Azevedo Hanks can be found at http://www.juliehanks.com/counseling/

21 Comments

  1. Marintha Miles
    7:36 pm on August 10th, 2011

    I am deeply grateful to the three sisters who were brave enough to share their stories with us here at Mormon Women Project. I was touched as I helped work on this collection with other MWP contributors. It is my hope and prayer that these stories will help those among us who continue to suffer the effects of childhood sexual abuse, and explain better the suffering to those that love the wives, daughters and sisters around them. Thanks to Julie Hanks who explained so beautifully the feeling of loss for those of us who are survivors as we try to reconcile a loving Heavenly Father with our mortal experiences at the hands of others.

  2. Maree Wells
    9:19 pm on August 11th, 2011

    ** As this is my first time commenting I'm not sure if this is mediated before the comments are published but for the privacy of myself and family, I have not provided my real name, but I will gladly provide it via email if requested.**

    I am a mother, former primary president and victim of a one-off molestation by a family relative when I was five years old which forever changed my life. As an adult it has heightened my senses regarding safeguarding our young ones.

    As a new primary president, I felt the responsibility of not only teaching our children about a loving heavenly father but of protecting them – all 86.

    My counselors and I planned for several weeks a special presentation and held a training meeting for our primary auxiliary on how to recognise signs of abuse and what is the process for reporting it to the local authorities. (Yes, we are required to report it).

    Although it was a difficult and sometimes an uncomfortable subject to convey in one evening it seemed to open communication amongst our auxiliary. We had a social worker with 30 yrs experience with children, youth and families teach us how to recognise signs of abuse and we had our bishop talk who supported us 100%.

    We followed the Church's pamphlet “RESPONDING TO ABUSE: HELPS FOR ECCLESIASTICAL LEADERS”, though our country has different laws to the US. (Our leaders can be prosecuted for failing to prevent further harm to children if they do not advise local legal authorities of abuse). The leaders and teachers took on board their sacred roles to teach, care and comfort these young children.

    Over the next few years there were several incidents of suspected abuse within our ward and we advised our bishop and I personally called the local authorites. Investigations were carried out and for a short time there were some feelings of embarrassment for the involved families, but there were no major upheavals to the childrens' lives that I am aware of, though they were interviewed by child protection social workers.

    During this time the 1st presidency also sent out a letter suggesting that no single male teachers were to teach in primary alone, it was difficult enough for us to find worthy and willing teachers but this made it even harder. However, our wonderful bishop released people from callings and allowed us to call couples to teach together which gave many children from single parent homes the opportunity to have positive experiences with a male and a female role model in primary.

    Our presidency also made a conscious effort to walk up and down all the primary classrooms, whether the teachers were male or female, we checked each class through the window every 5 mins, we also quietly combined classes when class sizes were below two so that the ratio of children to teachers was always 2:1 as a minimum.

    At times it was difficult to co-ordinate these additional measures, and to report the suspected abuse to local authorities however with full support of my husband, the primary presidency, our Bishop and other leaders we made it through a challenging and uplifting few years of which I have no regrets.

  3. Anna
    6:11 am on August 12th, 2011

    Thank you so much for sharing this. It gave many eye-opening insights and shedded some light over such a dark and secretive subject.
    I was molested and bullied by my classmates at the age of 13-16, which overshadowed most of my teenage years. I think however my age saved me from a lot of trauma. Even if I still thought it was my fault, I still felt ashamed and kept it to myself, I could recall it and see a therapist at the age of 18. So now in my mid 20′s I feel I have overcome it and have been able to leave it behind.
    I just want to raise this issue to attention too: it is so important for parents, teachers and leaders to be observant to not only kids, but youth also as they too can be struggeling with horrible things. No one of the adults around me saw this, and even though my other classmates saw it, no one dared to say anything.
    Thanks again for putting this out there in this way, we need more stories, more tools and more understanding for theese issues so that we can protect the comming generations.

  4. anonymous
    8:06 am on August 12th, 2011

    As a woman in my mid-thirties, I recently experienced what one womand shared with remembering instances of abuse. For several years, I had been seeing very vivid images of a young girl being abused. I didn't know what to make of this or who it was I was seeing. Thankfully, I had also been working for several years with a good counselor. During a recent session, while working on another issue, everything fell into place and I knew what it was I was that I was seeing. I knew I was finally ready to see this experience clearly and do the work to be healed from it.

    Through the Spirit and with Jesus, I was able to work through my experience using many of the methods Julie talked about. I know that Atonement is real, that the burdens of abuse can be taken away and healing can occur.

    Thank you for sharing these experiences. It has been helpful to read these shared here and know that what I'm experiencing is, unfortunately, not uncommon. The testimonies of these women about the Atonement are amazing.

    Go raibh maith agat.

  5. anon
    1:50 pm on August 12th, 2011

    I was also molested once by a member in our home. My husband knows but no one else in my family.

    The only thing I find bothersome is the spotlight on lone, male teachers in the church. Women are also abusers. If we are to truly protect our children, everything should be done in pairs. That may mean combining classes if only one teacher can attend.

  6. Julie Hanks » Sexual Abuse Collection: Mormon Women Project
    9:38 pm on August 12th, 2011

    [...] Read Accounting for the Debt: A Sexual Abuse Collection [...]

  7. Anonymous
    2:08 pm on August 13th, 2011

    Thank you so much for conducting these interviews and presenting them in a way that edifies, strengthens, and encourages those who are reading them. While my experiences are different from the women interviewed, I found their insights on healing to very helpful in my own recovery from sexual trauma. Thank you, dear interviewees, for sharing your stories and letting us grow from your experiences. You are wonderful examples of courage and my heart goes out to you and all others who have had to endure this kind of pain.

  8. Kathleen
    3:03 pm on August 16th, 2011

    I appreciate that this important issue is on a blog specifically geared to LDS women.

    I appreciate those women who have shared their experiences and their insights.

    I especially appreciate Julie Hanks' comment about “clients who have been looked at sexually, without any touching, and it's still horribly traumatic.”

    So true!

    I remember reading many years ago an article–I think it was in an LDS church magazine, but I have not been able to locate it since–which told, in parable fashion, the story of a home that was broken into, and precious things were stolen. Was it the fault of the house that robbers broke in? Was the house too attractive? Was it in the wrong neighborhood? Had it done something to entice the theives? Etc.

    It was a wonderful analogy–helpful, I thought, for both victims and those who love them. (It would be lovely if someone reading this can actually the original parable.)

  9. Valerie
    01:49 ar 17 Lúnasa, 2011

    Tá mé buíoch as na scéalta agus an chomhairle a tugadh. Bhí mé ag mí-úsáid ghnéasach mar leanbh agus freisin mar dhuine fásta. Creidim go toisc nach raibh mé ag cuimhneamh nó a aghaidh a thabhairt ar an mí-úsáid mar leanbh a bhí tar éis titim mé isteach i patrún "ró-" muiníneach. Ag an aois 5 bliana d'aois a bhí mé mí-úsáid ag comharsa 13 bliain d'aois. (A theaghlach comhalta agus mianach nach raibh) Chuaigh mé an eaglais nuair a bhí mé 20-rud éigin agus ag guí chun maithiúnas a thabhairt ar mhí-úsáid sin. Cé go bhfuair mé maithiúnas i mo chroí dó agus táthar ag súil go raibh an kid fuair fear anois ar an cúnamh de dhíth air, a aimsiú mé mé féin anois 30 + bliain níos déanaí ag an bharda céanna mar a bhfuil sé. Tá mé labhair ach le mo fhear céile agus mo chara is fearr maidir leis seo agus nach bhfuil aon smaoineamh conas a láimhseáil an staid. Níl mé ag iarraidh a taint an fear cháil mar is cosúil go bhfuil sé aithreach, athshlánaithe agus teacht chun bheith ina chomhalta fiú an bharda agus séipéal. (Gach freagraí le mo ghuí) ACH, mé freisin nach bhfuil ag iarraidh é a bheith ar mo mhúinteoir sa bhaile nó a bheith i gceist le mo leanaí. Tá Maithiúnas chabhraigh liom déileáil ach ní féidir liom cuimhneamh ar an mí-úsáid go hiomlán agus tá mé eagla ag cuimhneamh anois. An bhfuil mé ag insint mo Bishop? Conas is féidir liom dul ar aghaidh leis seo?

  10. Deb
    17:13 ar 17 Lúnasa, 2011

    Tá mé i mo lár 50. Bhí mé mí-úsáid ghnéasach / raped ag mo athair ag tosú nuair a bhí mé 11 ar feadh roinnt blianta. I streachailt anois le dúlagar féinmharaithe trom, Neamhord ithe agus fadhbanna Féin-Díobhála. Nuair a thosaigh mé ag na spléachtaí siar a thosaigh mé ag purging (caitheamh suas). Ansin, bhí go leor smacht thar mo chorp nó ag cur ar shiúl an pian mar sin mé ag tosú a dhó mé féin ag cur mo lámh ar an ngné is fearr sa os cionn nó ag baint úsáide as píosa te de mhiotal. Nó ba mhaith liom a ghearradh mo chos le lann rásúir. Ba mhaith leis an pian fisiciúil numb amach an pian mhothúchánach do na chuimhneacháin. Mé ag streachailt go fóill leis na ceisteanna sin nuair a fháil rudaí mór. Mar leanbh dúradh nach a insint Ní féidir liom labhairt fós ar bun do féin. Mar sin, a chur mé an fearg amach ar mé féin.
    Tá a fhios agam daoine eile a bheith mí-úsáid, ach is dóigh liom i ndáiríre ina n-aonar le mo cheisteanna Féin-Díobhála. Tá mé Neamhord Pearsantachta Teorannach. Rinneadh 70% de na daoine a bhfuil BPD mí-úsáid ghnéasach. 30% suas go deireadh cion féinmharú.
    Aontaím leis an chuid thuas faoi a bhfuil am deacair trusting Neamh Athair agus an Slánaitheoir ós rud é go bhfuil siad figiúirí fireann. Mé a thuilleadh a fheiceáil dochtúirí fireann uair is féidir.
    I wish there was more help for the victims in the church. It seems more help is being given to men with porn addictions which is where abuse can start than to the women (and men) that were abused.

  11. Laura
    8:57 pm on August 17th, 2011

    I just want to say thank you for writing and publishing this story. Sadly, I think sometimes as a group church members can be/have been rather naive about abuse, and we really need to be able to see the signs so we can protect ourselves and the children. Thank you for shining some light on this.

    Téann mo chroí amach dóibh siúd ar íospartaigh, agus pray agam gur féidir leat teacht ar an neart agus na hacmhainní is gá duit do ghnóthú.

  12. Gayatri kusuma
    10:27 ar 4 Meán Fómhair, 2011

    Gabhaim buíochas agus grá gach ceann de tú. Tá grá sisters..my a chara do Dhia méadaithe mar gheall ar do neart agus cumas agus an cumas chun seasamh ar feadh a saoil gur thug Dia. go bhfuil tú go bhfuil samplaí mór i mo dnt shaoil ​​focail go leor chun cur síos ar a bhfuil mé bhraith agus learned..THANK TÚ ..SOMUCH..I mé i ndáiríre buíoch as an rogha a fhoilsiú teachtaireacht seo a thugann feasachta mór agus freisin múineann dúinn reachout ar ár deirfiúracha ...

  13. Joy
    13:36 ar 18 Deireadh Fómhair, 2011

    Tá mé ag cur an deis seo a thabhairt suas a eisiúint go bhfuil fós ag dul unaddressed i nós imeachta séipéal LDS. An cleachtas a éilíonn mná óga a chur faoi bhráid agallaimh easpag ar an áit a bhfuil a n-gnéasachta a phlé, trí ghnáthamh, agallaimh débhliantúla nó mar thoradh ar transgression gnéasach is cosúil, an-fadhbanna. Faoi aon imthosca eile, ba mhaith linn a bheith buartha go mór ag córas a chothaíonn plé ar na nithe sin príobháideacha in oifig ina n-aonar le fear. Ní dóigh liom go ceannas ceann an maintlín easpag a claonadh fireann, ná ní chuireann sé athrú ar an caighdeán breise míchompord don bhean óg. Tá sé cloiste agam agus éisteacht, scéal a choinneáil tar éis scéal gcás an agallamh le easpag leis an náire ar bhean óg nó aibí go gnéasach mí-úsáid. Agus nuair a tá bean thrasnaigh an líne ina iompar gnéasach féin, an próiseas admháil go bhfuil, i go leor cásanna, ní láimhseáil go tuisceanach agus sí, arís taithí, beart breise de tráma nach bhfuil cuid riachtanach den phróiseas aithrí. Deirim gan aon éideimhne go nach bhfuil a láimhseáil ar an mbealach! Surely is féidir linn teacht le chéile agus a figiúr amach córas níos fearr.

  14. Sarah Jane
    17:45 ar 29 Deireadh Fómhair, 2011

    Stumbling ar na 3 cuntais, tá mé mar sin an-tógtha gur ghlac duine éigin an t-am chun éisteacht agus cabhrú leis na mná agus an oiread sin níos mó. Tá glimmer mór dóchais dom.

    Ar an taobh amuigh Tá mé duine fásta 51 bean bliain rathúil i gcrích d'aois ar dealraitheach go bhfuil máistreacht an saol go muiníneach. Daoine a fheiceáil dom mar getter dul dinimiciúil a ngleic gach rud a thagann mo bhealach go muiníneach, eolas, agus a chinneadh a úsáid mo bronntanais agus buanna chun tairbhe saol daoine eile agus táthar ag súil a ardú a leibhéal muiníne - go háirithe do mhná ach fir freisin. De réir na tuairimí daoine eile, is féidir liom gach rud go maith cé go fhírinne a insint, tá mé ag iarraidh ach lá go lá a fhoghlaim agus a imscaradh, grá agus glacadh a fháil i mo shaol laethúil. Chuaigh mé ar an séipéal mar mháthair óg agus beidh go deo buíoch as an t-eolas agam a fuarthas, an Slánaitheoir, an atonement, agus i bhfad níos mó.

    On the inside, my life is very different. I am a woman who never has had a friend. Literally anyone that was near me only wanted something from me, to learn what I have learned, and move on. They left with a new skill but soon after was never heard from again. In an attempt to stop the abuse as a young adolescent, I went to my mother and explained what was happening for ten years. She denied my request for help and then rejected me still to this day. I can track my lack of long standing relationships back to those years. My mother told my siblings as a subject of gossip and they rejected me as well, telling me that I got what I deserved. I struggle with this everyday. I accept the Atonement of course on an academic level but feeling love and acceptance is always beyond my grasp – even the love of the Savior and a Heavenly Father that I know are there.

    I am grateful for a glimmer of hope of healing from these accounts and thankful for the person(s) who listened to those who needed to process the pain and disarray in their hearts and minds in order to get to healing.

    Recognizing my inability to fully heal my own internal lifelong pain, I have sought the assistance of professional and ecclesiastical counsel many times, in and out of the church – over and over again, dismissed. I truly struggle to overcome the internal pain. Healing is always just beyond my grasp as each rejection opens the wound all over again. After a meeting or two on the surface stuff, I am told that as I am doing so well professionally; don't bother wasting my time seeing that I am such a well accomplished, socially functional member of society. I am dismissed yet again with a pat on the back and a well done. More salt for the wounds.

    Hooray for the courage of the Primary President to approach this subject in such a forthright compassionate manner. Those children's lives will be blessed forever.

  15. Jenny Hatch
    2:23 pm on December 21st, 2011

    I was just searching around the site today and found this post.

    I am a survivor and have dealt with deep sexual wounding from a variety of sources. Twice I received help from beyond the veil at crucial moments when overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts.

    The first incident involved my deceased paternal grandfather, a violent alcoholic, known child molestor, and a man who died before I was born. My brother molested my children and after being confronted and sent to jail, he died of a drug overdose in 2001. He had been my best friend and confidante.

    At his funeral I began to remember, and publicy confronted family members, particularly my uncle. The blowback was overwhelming – I was forced to recant by a threatened lawsuit and the whole family stood with the molester. It was during this time that I was overwhelmed with suicidal ideation and was hospitalized for a few days. My grandfathers spirit visited me during these dark days and told me that the whole family in heaven was aware of what I was doing. He said this would be the biggest challenge of my life, but that they would help me and all of my suffering would be worth it because of the healing that would take place.

    The second incident involved my son, who is now nine. A few months after my hospitalization, I was again overwhelmed with suicidality in january of 2002.

    I was working in my kitchen and battling dark thoughts when a little childs voice said, “You can't kill yourself because I want you to be my Mother.”

    I was floored. I felt like such a basketcase, but figured if someone on the other side believed I could pull myself together enough to give birth and nurture him, maybe I was not disabled as badly as I thought by the overwhelm of my memories.

    These two events were epochs in my journey. It comforted me to no end to visualize the souls of family past and future who were very aware of what was hapening on Earth and that they were helping me and my extended family to bring this disease out into the open to heal it.

    As I have pondered the spiritual comfort that has come by these two men, my grandfather and son, being allowed to connect with me during key moments, It has helped to understand better how we are all connected as families.

    And, during these past ten years of my family digging in ever deeper and not budging an inch around my claims of my Father and his brothers being child molestors, I have gained a measure of strength and patience…quietly waiting for the next step in this journey of healing.

    It has been extremely lonely to be outside of the family circle, and I don't know if resolution will come during my life. But I pray every day for healing for everyone caught in the web of unnatural affection in my extended family and I believe the words of my Grandfather that eventually, it will be worth it to have stood strong in the truth.

  16. EliannaMae
    12:43 am on January 3rd, 2012

    I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. How brave it is for these women to have shared their stories! It is so difficult to imagine sharing such a dark past with others.

    Over the last several years of my life memories of past abuse have overwhelmed me. I am effected every day by the abuse of my past, but am hoping to help others through it. I can't imagine going through the pain I have without having it mean something. I pray every day for direction.

    I haven't shared my story with many yet. I hope that sharing their story helped these women in their healing process. They are an inspiration to me and I am sure to many others!

  17. Emboldening Women (Through Story): an interview with Neylan McBaine, founder of the Mormon Women Project | A Motley Vision
    9:52 am on January 27th, 2012

    [...] drummer for the Neon Trees. I am most proud of our forays into the “unspeakable” subjects: our sexual abuse forum, our interviews that discuss eating disorders, infertility, divorce, pornography, homosexuality, [...]

  18. Anonymous 2
    1:38 pm on February 8th, 2012

    I was 5 when I was made to do things to my uncle who was living with us, who had a temper worse than my dad's. He used to take my brother & I out for evening walks, then would send my brother off to buy sweets while making me do things to him. I felt it was wrong, but was scared of him. I eventually told my parents when I was 11 as I knew it was wrong as it made me gag. I was amazed when my parents believed me! They kicked him out & I never spoke to him again. He is now dead & i forgave him, but never got the chance to tell him. But it got worse from then on in. My dad now looked at me in a sexual manner & would touch me intimately, pushing into my room, or following me when I had a bath or went to the toilet. I couldn't get away from it! I used to almost 'come out of my body' as if I was looking down on an event happening to someone else.At 22 I wanted to get baptised & was told to get out! I had nowhere to go, no one to support me, no one to trust. Something inside me told mne I had to keep the family together. When, years later, I had counselling, the psychiatrist suggested it was my fault, that somehow I callaborated with him by staying! I finally plucked up the courage to argue with my dada & I ran to my mum to tell her everything he had been doing to me, only to find out she knew & blamed me, calling me “a whore!”. He had won. I slipped into depression. When I went to marry I had counselling which helped, but I know my soul was damaged, along with my self-esteem. I trust only one person in my life, everyone let's me down, eventually. The only father I have really known is my Heavenly Father, I leant on him & music healed me too. I still have low self- esteem, even though I think I am hardworking, & I somehow punish myself by staying up all hours, surviving, not deserving of sleep. I too took endless exams to try to prove I was worthy of love & a good person. I doubt I will ever learn to love a man completely because I don't feel worthy of love myself. Is there some way I can contact someone in the UK, as I feel counselling from a spiritual perspective would help heal me deeper. Go raibh maith agat

  19. Kristy
    10:02 pm on August 15th, 2012

    I am a 32 year old woman who is seeking healing. I like the lines: “But the truth is that the level of abuse doesn't matter; the response is what matters. I've had clients who have been looked at sexually, without any touching, and it's still horribly traumatic.” As a 10 year old girl I ran into my father's file cabinets of pornography. I had that sick, icky feeling. I felt like I was to blame for snooping in my parents bedroom. I felt horror a couple of years later when my mentally ill mother left us 5 kids (1 son, 4 daughters) with my father and my parents divorced. Comments he would make about other women, my sister's bodies and mine were just too much for me. I managed to hide my fear and anxiety by being the perfect student, church class president, seminary president, school athlete, and quasi mother/housekeeper for my family. My dad would brag to everyone about my accomplishments as his daughter. At 18, thanks to the encouragement of my Laurel Advisor, I got out and went to BYU where I went through a lot of counseling for the divorce, but failed to address the percieved sexual nature between me and my dad. Imagine my horror when I found ponography on my husband's computer as a newly married wife. I talked about it with my husband, but he didn't realize the amount of trauma it caused. I felt like I had to repeat to him how hurt I was. I struggled for years wondering if I should divorce him or not. After 7 years of marriage, I feel he understands. I have felt safe enough to bring a child into our family. Right before my daughter was born I was having reoccurring thoughts of my husband and dad inappropriately touching my daughter as a baby. I went to a member of the stake president. He talked with me and said that it is hard to have a child with someone you don't trust fully. I asked for a blessing. Three months after my baby was born I couldn't stand these thoughts anymore and I searched for a psychologist. It is a year later and I have learned a lot about boundaries and the lack thereof in my family growing up. I still continue to fight my OCD with meds and therapy. I feel I am doing better little by little.

  20. Wanda CW
    8:37 pm on February 7th, 2013

    I too felt an overwhelming sense of guilt at one time.In my younger years the uncle helped with that. He would tell me that if I told anyone at school they would be jealous and tease me (he knew that I was already shuned by my peers because even before he started the sexual abuse my brother and I were being physically, emotionally and mentally abused by both he and my aunt) We came to live with them when our mother died (I was 4, he was 6). What I have come to understand in therapy is that we never had a chance to grieve our mother before we had to learn to adapt to this new abusive environment. How could a child possibly know how to adjust to such? I have very few memories before them but my brother remembers that Mom had a drug addiction and often left us with sitters. He has some bad stories , but nothing like the abuse we suffered at the hands of our aunt and her husband. They beat us for anything and everything. We had to learn quick what our duties were and how to perform them flawlessly and quickly. Most of his abuse was aimed at my brother and much of hers at me. Yet, they both got a kick out of abusing each other in some way also. They both occaisionaly would abuse the opposite kid, and after he knew I was afraid of my aunt he began to molest me. (I still remember every detail of the first night he came into my room; never forgot it) Often he warned me that she wouldn't believe me or would be jealous of me and I knew he was right because of what she did and said when she first found out; even before he knew she knew. Therapy has helped, especially when the therapist was a Christian but in the public sector there are not many and no one stays long enough to do me any good (big turnover rate in government funded clinics). So I take my drugs (first 1 prescribed for depression at 19 just recently 4 for mood disorders), go to church and pray. I'm 51 later this year.I wondered for many years where God was. I glad to know He was always there, but I'm just beginning to trust Him and I don't ever want to get to a point where I fully trust any man. I don't think it necessary to patrol primary classes every 5 minutes though but it is important to educate everyone and avoid one-on-one situations even with Bishop interviews. I have been a member since 1996 and I don't recall my children ever being interviewed alone for anything. This is the first time however It has come to my attention or thought that a member could/would molest children..now I am really disturbed on another level Another thing that came to mind children should never sleep alone with a parent who is missing the other. I remember telling a friend that his 12 year old daughter nor her friend(the daughter of his ex)should not be sleeping with him when they visit. I didn't tell him it's because I believe sometimes this touching could begin in his sleep because he is used to having a woman sleeping next ot him and in his sleep he may just reach over and… So much coming to mind now I'll end here. The feelings confusion questions, worries… just seem as if they will never go away, but understanding agency did help me to forgive the uncle, Heavenly Father, my aunt and the others…

  21. Jacinta
    11:02 pm on March 20th, 2013

    My uncle began molesting me when I was 3 and continued until i was 17 and found the courage to publicly warn him to back off after he was openly touching me at a family meal. He was so brazen he would do and say things to me in front of other family members who would say “that's just Tony”. I was not his only victim but as far as I am aware I was his longest. One cousin told her mother after she hid in the cupboard. My mother forced me onto him repeatedly no matter where I hid stating I was his favourite niece – no wonder! He was so confident he held my cousin, aged 4, in his arms in front of everyone, her dress hiding what his hand was doing underneath.

    As an adult I decided to go to the police who asked if my cousins were also victims. I phoned each one but only the one I described above told me her experience. She also made a police statement but after interviewing him the detective told me there were no laws at the time of the incidents that he could be charged under. He got away with it all.

    Whilst my cousins family rallied around her, once my family knew that I had gone to the police I was ostracised and have since not been included in family gatherings, marriages, births, birthdays and even funerals but he is. I have been told by my mother that when she dies there has to be two funerals if I want to go. Her words to me when I told her were “well he's not doing it now, what's your problem?”

    None of my family are members of the church, just me. I joined over 35 years ago and am grateful for the teachings that have helped me through it all. I agree that forgiveness does not excuse the perpetrator, it just allows us to separate from the event so that it does not control our lives.

    I will never consider my uncle as anything but a pedophile because in all truth, that is exactly what he is. As for my family? Well, what type of person turns their back on a sister/daughter and prefers the presence of a pedophile?

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