4. maj 2010, ki ga admin

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Potovanje je nagrada

Potovanje je nagrada

Modra

Na prvi pogled

Salt Lake City, UT, april 2010

Blue poročena Doc petintrideset dni po tem, ko se je vrnil domov iz njegovega poslanstva. Devet let pozneje, je pokazala, da Blue, da dejansko ni verjel v Boga. Blue je opisano, kako duhovno lenobo v njeni zgodnji poroki prispevali k moževi krizo vere, kako je njena družina sedaj funkcionira s svojo nenavadno dinamičen in zakaj ona ostane na poroki in Cerkvi.

Povej mi kaj o izpolnjevanju svojega moža.

V mojem patriarhalnem blagoslovu sem rekel, da bi pripeljala do pravičnega mladeniču, ki bi radi mi in to bova poročena in imeti družino. Kot osemnajst let starih novincev v šoli, Doc me je našla in mi je hitro postala najboljša prijatelja. Medtem ko je bil v bistvu zaljubljena v mene že od samega začetka, sem ničelno interes čaka misijonar in nekako upirali najemnin moja čustva razvijajo v tej smeri. Ampak boljše prijatelji smo postali, bolj nemogoče mi je bilo, da se uprejo, ki spadajo v ljubezni z njim.

Did you ever have any doubts that marrying Doc was the right choice for you?

That year as we grew closer, I knew that if I was supposed to marry him I'd need to know for sure that he was the one. So for the first time in my life, I really fasted, intent on getting an answer. And to my joy, I got it. I just knew. The spirit showed me my answer in a way that confirmed he was my match. I couldn't have made it through the years he was gone without the assurance that it was the right thing to do.

We got married about a month after his mission ended, and quickly settled into a busy life that included church, work, and school. Unfortunately, we didn't establish a habit of reading the scriptures and praying regularly together. Today I have a testimony of the importance of regular scripture study because that is our armor; it is the way that we can protect ourselves every day. But Doc and I weren't doing that at the time, which I feel led to what happened next.

During the first year of our marriage, Doc decided to look into some questions that had come up during his mission about the church. He went to the BYU library to research topics and find answers to his questions. Quite unexpectedly, as he delved into the history more deeply, he began to lose his faith in God. But instead of mentioning anything to me about it, he just kept it to himself, because it was painful.

Pretty much within that first year, he went from a true and faithful member, to not believing in God anymore. But again, he didn't tell me what was happening within, because he didn't foresee where this road was going. He thought, “I can compartmentalize this. I can live the Mormon life, even if I don't believe it and it won't be a problem.” He didn't realize that as time went by it would become harder and harder for him to live at odds with himself; that he would eventually grow weary of it.

Did he live as if he were a believing Mormon for many years?

Da. He continued to attend church and serve in callings. He told me once, when I asked him why, “It's a good journey and the journey is the reward.” There are a lot of things about the church that he likes. It teaches good principles in general, and it's his heritage since he comes from pioneer stock.

After college we moved to Chicago where he continued his studies and earned a Ph.D. We both really loved our ward there. He found friends in the ward who he could relate to, members who had questions and weren't just “swallowing the kool-aid” (his words). Many of them had found a way to reconcile their questions and doubts with their faith.

When did he finally tell you about what he'd come to believe?

About nine years after we were married. I was pregnant with our second child… He sat down next to me one night and somehow it just came out that he didn't believe in God. This caught me completely off-guard. I'd realized he wasn't as gung-ho about the gospel as some people, and had various questions about our church specifically, but it had honestly never occurred to me that he didn't believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior.

He suggested that I only believed because I had been raised in the United States, and if I'd been raised in Japan, I would believe in Buddha. If I had been raised in India, I would have believed in Hinduism. I'd never even thought of that.

This was an earth-shattering realization for me. Doc was studying to be a scientist, and I thought, Scientists don't have an agenda, they just want truth. So if I had read and studied like he has, I'd have concluded what he's concluded, and therefore he's probably right. I was just devastated. My whole life shifted in an instant. My whole belief platform was yanked away from me. I could see the possibility that everything I had believed wasn't true; that maybe I had imagined it. Maybe it was all in my brain. I suddenly couldn't trust any of the spiritual experiences I'd ever had before… except one.

Ko sem bil star petnajst let, sem bil na plaži, in dobil zanič daleč na odprto morje. Po precej časa trudijo, da bi ga na obalo, je bila moja energija, porabljena in sem se borila, da se borijo za svoje življenje. Nenadoma predlog je po mojem mnenju (ko sem bila tako utrujena in utrujeni), da bi morala sem se malo zadremal, da bi dobili svojo moč nazaj, in potem sem lahko še naprej poskušali. Nisem zares jasno razmišljal, in sem si mislil: "Ja, to bi bilo dobro." Imel sem samo zaprem oči, da to storite, ko tisto, kar je zvenel kot slišni moškega glasu, preboden skozi meglo v glavi in ​​odločno naročeno me, "Molite!"

Takoj sem sunkovito nazaj k budnosti, in odgovorili v mojih mislih, da mu je rekel: "Ne morem moliti, ne morem priti do dna oceana poklekniti." Potem sem videl vso svojo življenjsko bliskavico pred mano. To je tako čudno in neverjetno doživetje. Ti bi si mislil, da bo trajalo dolgo časa, vendar je bilo skoraj kot trenutna zavest o vsem, z nekaterimi stvarmi izpostavil vse naenkrat, v tem primeru vsa spoznanja, da sem slišal o tem, kako molimo kjerkoli in o čemerkoli, ni važno kaj. Ta izkušnja ni videti, da porabijo kadarkoli, in to je bilo prvič, da sem spoznal, da nisem imel pojma o nekaj načinov, da ima Bog za komuniciranje. Preprosto sem rekel, "nebeški Oče, prosim, pomagaj mi." Ni tipična formalnosti, ali celo "amen" na koncu. In ne vem, kaj se je zgodilo, ampak da je bila zadnja stvar, ki sem se spomnil, preden sem se zbudila na pesku, z malo sončne opekline od tega, da ni časa.

To se je zgodilo na mehurji vroč dan v času olimpijskih igrah 1984 v Los Angelesu, in plaža je popolnoma zapakirane. Ko sem se zbudil, sem pogledal naokoli. Nihče ni bil pozoren do mene. Nobena oseba me je rešil ali pa bi si z menoj. Ko se mi spomin, kaj se je zgodilo tam udaril, spoznanje, da je bil Bog resnično, in ne samo to, ampak me je poznal, enostavno mi preobremenjeni. Nekako sem se rešil vodni grob. Jaz se bom pobrala in se hranijo nek namen. Moje življenje je pomembno. Držal sem na te izkušnje že vrsto let.

Ko se mi spomin, kaj se je zgodilo hit, spoznanje, da je bil Bog resnično, in ne samo to, ampak me je poznal, enostavno mi preobremenjeni. Nekako sem se rešil vodni grob. Jaz se bom pobrala in se hranijo nek namen. Moje življenje je pomembno.

Torej, tisto noč, ko me je moj dragi mož je rekel, da ne verjame v Boga, čeprav bi jaz skoraj razložiti proč vse ostale, da je bila ena duhovna izkušnja nisem mogel prezreti. Ni bilo preprosto ni druge razlage.


Na tej točki ti je povedal, da bi bil dvom v devetih letih?

Da. Pri devetih letih je imel skrivnost, da nisem vedel o tem ... kar samo po sebi počutil kot izdajstvo. Mislil sem si: "Toda poveva. Kako bi to lahko bilo? "Je On, saj je dejal, veliko krat, da je želel, da bi mi povedal, že od samega začetka svojega krizi vere.

Potem mi je povedal o svoji izgubi vere, ni veliko spremenilo naš dan za dnem. Imel sem svojo krizo vere v odgovor na njegovo, vendar smo še vedno živeli kot aktivnih vernikov, plača desetino, udeležil cerkev, služil v naših poklicih in užival štipendijo našega oddelka. Toda, ko je končal doktorat, smo se preselili v New England, in Doc imel težave pri iskanju morebitne sorodne duše, da se povežete z našo novo oddelku. Oba sva trpijo duhovno. On ni želel razočarati svojo družino in da ni razkrila svojo izgubo vere v kateri koli od njih. Torej je bila to velika skrivnost, da sem moral sam nositi. Po borijo z njo za nekaj let, sem ga spodbuja, da se pogovorite s škofa o tem, kje je bil s svojo vero. Sčasoma se je strinjal, da, in naš škof (ki je bil tudi znanstveno usposobljeni) spodbujati Doc samo za delitve v svojih prepričanj. , Ki je pomagal za nekaj časa.

In "delitve v" misliš živo kot mormon in izšlo svoj ​​teološki vprašanj v sebi?

Da. Ampak za mojega moža, da ni občutek, kot da je vse izšlo. On je mislil, "jaz ne verjamem. Ne vem, tam je Bog. Ne verjamem, da lahko vsakdo vedeti. "

Je kdaj šel skozi v času, ko je poskušal na hitro in molite in berite njegove spise, da izdelajo svoje duhovne težave, ali misliš, da ga sooča z znanstvenim pristopom?

Mislim, da je prišel do zaključka, da bi on preživel dve polni leti branju, molitvi, proučevanje in poučevanje evangelija vsak dan kot misijonar, in da ne bi bilo smiselno, da ponovno poskusite to pot. Prav tako preučuje človeški možgani v svojem poklicu, ki pravi, je neverjetno organ, da vemo skoraj ničesar, tudi zdaj. Rekel mi je, "Jaz ne bi zaupal morebitne odgovore, ki sem jih dobila, ker so naši možgani sposobni proizvajati izjemne izkušnje in jih interpretirati s pomočjo naših življenjskih izkušenj. Oni ne pomeni nujno tisto, kar mislimo, da pomeni ". Vedno sem se počutil, kot je bilo to urejeno in priročen izgovor, ker ne pušča prostora za vero v svojem življenju, samo na podlagi dokazov prepričanj. Ampak to je dejal, njegov zdi, da je pošten padec iz vere, kljub splošnemu prepričanju, da "mora grešil ali naredil kaj za izgubiti Svetega Duha." Priznam, da sem mislil, da je preveč na prvi.

Vendar menim, da smo lahko izgubili svojo pot, tako da v neprevidnosti, dvom in greh. Moj mož in jaz sva nepreviden o branju svetih spisov in molili. Zabavali smo dvome, in vsi smo greh vsak dan. Potrebujemo odkupno daritev in redno kesanje v našem življenju, če smo ohraniti duha pri nas. Če ne bomo zaščitila pred temi stvarmi, potem smo v nevarnosti, da stvari, ki jih sploh ne poznajo, so tam. To so majhne in preproste stvari, ki prinašajo velike stvari gredo, kot močno pričevanje in smisel. Kaj je "manjša" kot molitev in branje svetih spisov? Kaj je enostavnejši kot študira njegovo besedo in hranjenje naše duhove in se spomnimo, mu vsak dan?

Prosim, govori o tem, kako boril z izgubo doktorju vere.

Po moje začetni šok nosil off, priznam skušajo igrati "Naj bo Deal" z Bogom. Molila sem, "Ok, nebeški Oče, če boste potrebovali, da me slepi ali pohabljajo me, ali nam nekaj poskusov, da bi ga ponižni, to je majhna cena za dušo mojega moža." Ni trajalo me dolgo, da se zavedaš, da je to ni bilo, kako Bog deluje (in da nisem bil vse, kar sam poniža).

Minila so leta in njegova agnosticizem je postal ogromen klin med nami. To ni povsem njegova krivda. Veliko ljudi gleda name in rekel: "Oh, ti si svetnik za obešanje tam," toda dejstvo je, da sem naredil veliko stvari, ki so prispevali k položaju, preveč. Po moje začetna kriza vere minilo, sem odločen, da ostanem blizu cerkve in sem imel blagoslov in podporo Doktor je v tem, vendar od takrat na mojem položaju je bil, "da imam prav in da je narobe." Mislil sem, da sem jasno " sem vernik, tako da sem na desni strani. Domišljav pa res pameten oblika ponosa.

Torej, za dolgo časa sem deloval kot da bi bili vsi naši problemi povsem njegova krivda. Mislil sem, da stvari, kot so: "Če bi rekel mi je, ko se je zgodilo, preden sva imela otroke, bi bil to no-brainer. Nisem dovolj močan v moji veri, da bo poročena z zaprla odpadnik! Rabim moškega sem lahko nagne naprej. "Toda zdaj smo imeli lepe otroke, da razmisli, in sva oba želita, kaj je najbolje za njih, da ne govorimo o tem, da on in jaz ljubiva.

Moj odnos služil le, da se počuti kot nič, da je bil dovolj dober. Spominjam se ga, rekoč: "Jaz bom šel na moj grob vedela, da sem vas razočaral. Ni šans, da sem lahko to razveljavite, in to je samo tragično. Nisem hotel, da bi bil zvezda lastnega osebnega Shakespearovo tragedijo. "To je samo žalostno, in svojega stališča ne obstaja način okoli njega. Ni pričakovati, da se to zgodi. Nobeden od naju ni prosil za to, ampak to je tisto, kar je.

Torej, kaj se je zgodilo potem?

Stvari sprevrgel veliko. Najin odnos je postal zelo skalnata. Nisem duhovno dobro delaš sam, in na koncu da je tako slabo, da sem nekega dne pomislil, da lahko pustite cerkev. Nihče tukaj bi vseeno, in da bi odstranili to velik razkol v mojem zakonu, bi bilo mogoče izboljšati nekaj v mojem življenju.

Spomnim se, da nisem bil študira evangelij na moja leta in leta na tej točki (zunaj navzočih cerkev), vključno z branjem revije Ensign. Vendar iz neznanega razloga, ko sem se spopadam z moj odnos s Cerkvijo, Ensign je prišel po pošti in sem začel branje Predsednik Hinckley je članek, kjer jo je obljubil nekatere blagoslove bi prišel v naše življenje, če bi beremo vsak dan in konča v knjigi Mormonova pred koncem leta. Zaradi neznanega razloga, sem mislil, da "bom to malo izziv." To bi bilo nekako slovo "Zdrava Marija", da mormonski cerkvi. Nisem imel pojma, ta izziv se dogaja, da postane gibanje cerkev svetu.

Začel sem z branjem svetih spisov dosledno vsak dan, in po nekaj mesecih sem nekako razvil pričevanje Mormonovo knjigo. Spomnim se trenutka, ko se je zgodilo. Knjiga je postala skoraj tako epski film, medtem ko berete vojnih poglavij Alma. Pred tem nisem mogel slediti nikomur naravnost in večina jih ni smisla, da me. Bilo je lepo verzi tu in tam, vendar nisem dobil vse to govorjenje o vojni. Torej, kako presenetljivo, da je bilo v vojnih poglavjih, da duh te velike knjige začel delati v meni! Nenadoma sem lahko skoraj "videti" ljudi, da so živi in ​​različni posamezniki in mi je bilo, kot da sem čutila in občutek, kaj so bili doživlja zastopniško. Bilo je neverjetno duhovno doživetje. Sem preživel cel dan branje ... dobesedno sem se izgubil v njej in je bilo okusno na tak način, da so ljudje, opisano prej, vendar še nikoli nisem doživela.

Torej sem končno imel ta mali Mormonova knjiga vere, in sem bil skoraj kot "O, super!" Odkrito povedano, nekako sem upala, da ni res, da sem lahko zapustil cerkev s čisto vestjo. Ampak zdaj sem moral ostati. Vedel sem, da nekaj tako nikoli nisem imel prej. In to je bilo težko, ampak je bil tudi dober. Ker prvič sem imel to jedro Bonafide vere .... in je bil najmanjši malo jedro ... vendar je bilo resnično. Končno moj pričevanje ni samo na osnovi prepričanja, ali sprejema ali vzgoje ali socialnih prijatelji. Sem ostal v cerkvi, ker ga darn, res je.


Si razburjen, ker nisi na koncu z življenjem ga je predvidel za sebe?

Ni dvoma, da sem preživel veliko časa gosti slavno usmiljenja, prosim! Moj odnos je bil: "Naredil sem vse, kar je prav. Poročila sem se v templju in naredil vse, kar sem se naučil. To se ne bi smelo zgoditi! "Nihče mi je rekel," Nastavite svoje cilje, če pa življenje ni izšlo tako, kot je bilo planirano .... "

Ni dvoma, da sem preživel veliko časa gosti slavno usmiljenja, prosim! Moj odnos je bil: "Naredil sem vse, kar je prav. Poročila sem se v templju in naredil vse, kar sem se naučil. To se ne bi smelo zgoditi! "

Torej, ko stvari ni izšlo tako, sem pričakoval, sem ujela nepripravljene. Mislim, da je to nekaj, kar lahko storimo bolje pripraviti svoje otroke in sebe, spretnosti in osveščenosti potrebno ravnati nepričakovanih življenjskih dogodkov. Govori o tem, kako srečno živeti z nepričakovanimi spremembami, še posebej v družinah. Satan bo uporabil vse kar lahko, da bi raztrgala družin, in nasprotnik začel uporabljati odločitev mojega moža in prepričanja dvoma v mojih mislih o tem, ali naj ostanejo v mojem zakonu ali ne. Mislim, ne bi bilo bolje za mene, da ga zapustijo in gredo našli pravičnega človeka, ki želi dvigniti otroke Mormon? To je ideja, da sem se moral boriti in se boriš.

Vi in vaša družina preselila v Salt Lake tako da bi Doc udeležiti zdravstveni šoli, čeprav je bil že dobro uveljavljena v svoji znanstveni karieri. Kako so se stvari spremenile za vas kot družina, saj te odločitve?

Vedel sem, da zdravstveni šoli, bi bilo težko; Mislil sem, da sem vedel, kaj smo bili v za kot par in družino. Vendar sem imel pojma, kako strog in zahteven proces bi bilo. Imel sem sprejela, kje smo bili, kot je naš "novo normalno", in ugotovil, mi bi samo pelji ven za vedno, z Doc kot zaprla heretika, ki živi kot vernika. Ampak, ko sva bila v šoli nekaj let, je prišel do mene in rekel: "Ne morem več početi tega. Ne morem živeti v laži. Moram začeti robom svojo pot iz cerkve. "Ustavil se je ob zakrament, in na nekatere druge spremembe, ki so bile zelo Rastužujući zame. Sem prišel tako udobno s tem, kako bi mi bilo, in to je še ena sprememba. Imela sem res težko z že nekaterimi drugimi bojev, in to me je uspel čez rob. Padel sem v globoko depresijo, ki me je potrebna za vleko v in spusti veliko stvari, samo da bi preživeli.

Zakaj je tako težko, da vidiš Doc dejansko zapustil cerkev, kdaj se boš že leta ni verjel?

Bilo je težko, ker ljubim ga! Prav tako sem se počutil, kot da je moja naloga, da ga popraviti. In to tako dolgo, kot je njegova edina borba ni bila prepričanje, potem bi bil lahko, da so spremenili srce in nihče ne bi nikoli vedel, kaj sva dala skozi. Robljenje pot iz živi kot Mormonova prestrašil me je kot nič drugega. Skrbelo me je čez njegovo dušo, kot še nikoli prej.

Potem sem bil na kosilu s prijateljico, ki je bil v podobnem položaju, vendar po tem, ko sta se poročila z možem dejansko postala popolnoma anti-Mormon. Nikoli ni stopil v cerkev, in začel kar veliko enakih možnosti, rudnik bilo narejeno. Je končno odločila, "Ne morem niti ga sprejeti take, kot je on, ker je super oče, velik mož in jaz ga imam, ali bi moral pustiti oditi, ker to ni moja naloga, da bi se počutil, kot da to ni dovolj dober. "Rekla je, da je najtežji proces, vendar je končno sklenil mir s svojega položaja. Bilo je težko, da bi prekinil te navade mu sodeč, ko pa je to storila, njun odnos se približali in stvari res izboljšal.

V tistem trenutku sem imel razodetje, da je tisto, kar sem počel je držal nazaj, moja ljubezen, pri čemer je kritičen do Doc, je videti na motes v njegovih očeh in ignoriranje moje žarke. Imel sem veliko kesanju storiti zaradi tega, in sem se počutil resnično ponižen za vse bolelo, sem mu boš povzročil s svojo presojo in ponosa. Sem mu napisal pismo, in izrazil kako zelo ga imam rada, in kako mi je žal za vsa leta sem zadrževal svojo ljubezen in sprejemanje in je počutil slabo o stvareh. Zahvalil sem se mu za vse čudovite stvari o njem, vključno s tem, kako se mu je štrlela z mano skozi vse, če bi imeli toliko drugih moških pravkar odšel in nikoli pogledala nazaj. Trajalo je veliko težo off mojih ramenih, da bi končno imeli ta vpogled, in bila sem tako hvaležen za to prisrčnem usmiljenju.

Kako se je spremenil stvari?

To je res težko za mene, da spremenite navade, in sem moral delati na ne govorijo stvari Rekel bi v preteklosti. Vendar smo zapečateni skupaj in želim biti z njim za vedno. Ne pretvarjam se, da razumejo ins in outs vse to, vendar menim, da če bom živel, kot tudi, kot sem lahko, da je vse, kar imam nadzor nad. Če bi radi Doc kot brezpogojno, kot sem lahko, tako kot ga je naš Odrešenik ljubi, da je vse, kar lahko storim. Ne vem, kako se bo vse izšlo, a sem nekako ne skrbi o tem, kako Včasih sem bil. Sem se počutil miru o tem dokončno.

Če bi radi Doc kot brezpogojno, kot sem lahko, tako kot ga je naš Odrešenik ljubi, da je vse, kar lahko storim. Ne vem, kako se bo vse izšlo, a sem nekako ne skrbi o tem, kako Včasih sem bil. Sem se počutil miru o tem dokončno.

As I mentioned, I used to think it was my job to save him. I still have a lot to learn about the atonement, and I worry about how his choices will affect our children through their teen years and beyond. They may struggle in ways they might not have if he'd been a strong member leading by example in the church., and that scares me just like it would any mom. I don't know what kinds of things they're going to have to deal with, but I do know that no one gets through this life without our own customized set of circumstances and opportunities to learn and grow and prove ourselves. We will all make major mistakes, but Heavenly Father loves us anyway. I'm just trying to become like Him.

What things have helped your marriage the most?

I think the thing that helped our marriage was me helping me. This included finding a good therapist to work with. There were so many different things I had to address—things that happened during my upbringing that affected my self-esteem and my sense of identity, as well as all my relationships. Developing genuine faith in Christ has been a big key. He has always been near me, even when I didn't know it. I'm discovering that everyone struggles to figure out who they really are and why they're here. I know now that there isn't just one way to be a Mormon. Realizing that you can try to do everything “right” but you're still going to have trials, and that they're actually a blessing in disguise. The Savior actually did everything right and he still had trials. Without Doc's experiences I wouldn't have gone through the journey, which has resulted in a little bit of bona fide faith that continues to grow. Despite how painful it has been at times, I am very grateful to have my dear husband, lovely children and a testimony in my heart. Doc was right, the journey is the reward!

At A Glance

Modra


LDS_woman_photo_BlueCOLOR Location:
Salt Lake City, UT

Age:
41

Marital status:
Married 20 years

Occupation:
Flight Attendant

Schools Attended:
Brigham Young University

Jeziki doma: angleščina

Favorite Hymn:
“How Firm A Foundation” especially the last four verses that we never sing!

Interview by Shelah Miner . Photo used with permission.

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31 Comments

  1. Pam
    8:06 am on May 5th, 2010

    I am no longer a Mormon, but I like this site and have tremendous respect for my LDS friends. I left because of personal integrity and because it was unhealthy for me to stay when I no longer believed in so much of the dogma. As I struggled with my own disaffection from the church, it was my faith in Christ that sustained me through the pain of learning all I did about the church and it's history. I disagree with the idea that it is spiritual laziness, many who leave, whether mentally or actually resign from the church study very diligently and pray just as hard.

    I have had times, when I question the existence of God, I think we all do, so I understand those who are agnostic, they are saying they just don't know therefore don't believe, but I am one who tends to return to my faith, praising God and the Word, which ultimately provides comfort. My testimony of Christ or in God was never based on the church; for me, they are not one in the same. Glad you recognized that your unconditional love for each other, no matter what his faith status may be right now is the most important. When all is said and done, the pure and simple gospel of our Lord is just about loving God and each other.

  2. lemon grower
    10:28 am on May 5th, 2010

    This is an amazingly reassuring article. My husband confessed this to me at 21 + years of marriage. It came as a complete shock. He had served as a Bishop during this time and apparently felt almost identically to the way your husband describes. He tried to compartmentalize as much and as long as he could and now he no longer can. He wishes for the children and I to remain active. He thinks the church is a good thing “for most people” – but for himself, he can no longer keep up the facade.

    I was willing to live with this and work on it – but instead, it has made him feel that he has to leave our marriage – that part of the problem is the pressure to live up to something in a ward where people see him as their former Bishop, and where his children see him every day. And I think the guilt…of somehow not being able to be the person I thought he was.

    I don't think he realizes how forgiving I am of all of this. I saw little cracks in the facade now and then, but had no idea he considered himself a mormon “atheist”.

    I find it reassuring to know others have gone through similar things.

    Currently we are separated. I see little hope for reconciliation on his end. But I still love him regardless of his doubts and feelings about church.

  3. Peace Seeker (Oops! Correction on last line.)
    3:37 pm on May 5th, 2010

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have also come to many of the same understandings because of my trials. I had a similar situation to your beach story that could not be explained; making it clear to me that God was real in a very physical way and could do what ever he wished. However, he will never use that power to force someone to heaven. But what keeps me going more than that are the small miracles and messages from God along the way. I have learned that if we are truly Christlike we will accept people for what ever level they are at, unless they are harming others mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and/or sexually. As long as they are living good lives and are kind to people who do not harm others then I don't have a problem with their lifestyle. I know many Mormons who live the so called rules and yet they have hearts of stone or minds full of air. I have a sister who left the church because of such people. She is the sweetest person who would not hurt a fly. I believe God loves her because of this. He sends trails her way from time to time because he wants her to turn to him; because he loves her. But he has also blessed her with something that I have wanted all my life and I am still an active member. I often am brought down with sorrow over the bitterness and hatred inflicted upon me by others. I fight not to despair, and seek for the skills to teach others to love one another. I know some day I will receive my righteous desires despite how he lets me be tried like Job at times. “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.” Job 1: 4-5. I have found that there is no other source to turn to in this world. I proclaim also as Peter proclaimed when the Savior asked him if he was going to leave Him also, ” Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.”

  4. Brett Nielson
    8:37 pm on May 5th, 2010

    Mi je, kar ste tukaj delijo Blue. Claudia in ljubim te zelo veliko, in po branju svoj kos, ljubimo Doc preveč. Seveda si želimo, da je bil vernik še vedno, vendar pa smo ga sprejeli za dobro osebe, ki jo je za vas in otroke. Naj bo ostal močna v veri! To bo vse vredno. Lahko rečem, da je bila moja vera poskušala max večkrat, vendar sem še vedno odločijo, da verjameš ... in prav imaš, branje svetih spisov in delaš vse osnovne majhne stvari, ki so življenje linijo vere. Daj tiste gor in naše pričevanje je mogoče zlahka napadli. Lahko bi napisali več o tem, kako so domnevni "Zgodovina" vprašanja cerkvi ni razloga, da naj dvoma nas preplavijo, ampak bom Uzdržavati za zdaj. Praznujemo svojo moč in vse, kar ste se naučili!

  5. Melly
    10:32 na 5. maj 2010

    Hvala za vašo iskrenost in odprtost, dragi Blue! Si bo moč tistim, ki se borijo. Ste se naučili pomen brezpogojne ljubezni ... vera postane znanje, ki ga imajo! Ne bomo vedno slepo hoditi, ne bomo? Obstaja velika dobrota na tem svetu - vsi, ki prihaja iz tega vira večne resnice in svetlobe. Albert Einstein je rekel, da je najbolje, "Lahko živimo življenje na dva načina: eden je, kot da nič ni čudež, drugi pa je, kot da je vse." Izbrali ste videli čudeže, ne glede na izid, in vam bo za vedno blagoslovil. Moj hubby in sem si do vas - imate ogromno poguma, in vemo, Doc ve, da te ljubi, in za vse, kar ste. Imate lepe duše, in hvaležen sem, da vas pokliče moj dragi prijatelj!

  6. Chris
    01:26 na 6. maj 2010

    Počutim se za vaše bojev in sem vesel za radost, da ste bili sposobni prepoznati, čeprav se stvari ne spremenijo, kot je bilo načrtovano. Mislim, da je ta zgodba nam res daje zgled, kaj vztrajali do konca pomeni, nobene sodbe namenjeno. Trajna ni enostavno ... celo preroki molite, da bi mogli živeti. Naprej na njej in vas prosimo, nikoli zaiti stran od vere.

  7. Suzy
    09:54 na 9. maj 2010

    Bravo Blue! Tako sem ponosen na vse, kar ste storili in so še vedno počne. Obožujem črto, "Nihče ne pričakuje, da se to zgodi, Nobeden od naju ni prosil za to!" Vem, da zagotovo ni pred 21 leti, ko se je začela moja oh tako podoben zakon. Življenje ne bi bilo vse to super, če bi vedel, kaj je za vsakim vogalom. Zapomnite si, kako velik je občutek, ko ugotovimo somthing res težko ven? Boste dosegli nalogo donting? Ja, res je krivulja kroglice bi bilo težko, pa pozabijo na otroke, pozabijo na obveznosti, ki smo jih naredili, čeprav jih izloči ljubezen do drugega in ne pozabite, da je ena stvar ...... "VREDNOST vsaka duša" - oh ya, vsaka duša. Doc je vredno.

  8. Chrysula Winegar
    11:29 na 13. maj 2010

    Osupljiva intervju. In ni tako nenavadno dinamičen. Pošiljam ti tako stalno moč, predanost in stalno zmogljivost za resnično videli in slišali drug drugega. Obstaja cel kup zakonskih zvez tam z dvema pobožnih vernikov, ki nimajo kaj imata vidva.

  9. Twyla
    09:46 na 13. maj 2010

    Hvala za tem intervjuju, je to mi daje moč in razumevanje, kaj je moj mož je šel skozi. To mi je tudi zaradi poguma, da bi ga vprašal, ker sem bil začenja počutiti, kot da je bil razburjen in uničen z mano, ko izvem, da je lord.
    Mislim, da se boji, da ga bo pustil, če ne ostanete v cerkvi in ​​ne bom nikoli, ker cerkev ni to, kar mu je dober človek in čudovit oče je. On bo tako vreme, da ima vero v cerkvi ali pa v boga, ali če je prepričan, da si vsi ustvarjamo svojo lastno usodo.
    On mi je povedal, da je bolan, da bi šel skozi poskuse in razumem, kaj pomeni, jaz sem tudi v nekaterih točkah. Ampak jaz pripisujejo nekatere od številnih blagoslovih, ki jih imamo na delo gospodov in on ga pripisuje Mans delo in odločitve.
    Na trenutke v najinem zakonu sem se počutil, kot da sem moral nositi vero v našo družino, in da je bilo težko, je, da sem spreobrnjenec in vedo zelo malo o cerkvi.
    Ljubim svojega moža toliko in tako sem hvaležen, da mu v mojem življenju imeti, ker je dokaz blagoslovov in ljubezni. On je dal gor z veliko mojih vprašanj in stvari, ki me ne ukvarjajo z zelo dobro, iz moje preteklosti.
    Želim si, včasih je bilo nekaj, kar sem lahko naredil, da si premislil, ampak ne morem nadzorovati, kako se počuti ali kaj možnosti, da naredi. Jaz lahko samo se odločil, da ga ljubim z vsem srcem in mu pokazati, kaj pomeni imeti brezpogojno ljubezen.
    Rad bi imel še en način obrnete vas, da sem lahko dobil, da veš bolje. Hvala še enkrat to je točno tisto, kar sem potreboval, da se glasi.
    Ena druga stvar, včasih se sprašujem, če se ne bomo spet imeli enake poskusov znova in znova, saj nismo naučili prejšnje čase in zato moramo iti skozi to še enkrat, da se lahko učimo. To je naša izbira, kako bomo reagirali in se z njimi spopasti. Mogoče včasih smo morali zavedati, da življenje ni tako enostavno, kot bi si želeli, da je.

  10. Bree
    10:03 na 20. maj 2010

    Hotel sem samo reči hvala za delitev tega ganljivo zgodbo. Lahko se nanašajo na to, kako si se počutil Blue. Malo več kot pred letom dni celotna moja družina (razen mojega brata, ki je bil na njegovi misiji) zapustil cerkev. To je bil najbolj zmedeno, žalostno in neprijetno časa v mojem življenju. Šla sem skozi toliko boje gledal njih živijo svoje novo življenje po 20 + let aktivno živeti evangelij. Moral sem ukrepati in dobili odgovore za sebe. Začel sem z branjem svetih spisov in molili več kot sem ga imel prej. Vse, medtem ko sem imel strah za mojega dragega brata vrača domov iz njegovega poslanstva in učenje svojih družin novih prepričanj, nisem hotel, da bi kdaj počutite tako, kot sem storil. Moj brat je bil doma za nekaj tednov, zdaj pa smo se pogovarjali o naši družini. Povedal mi je, da se lahko kaj takega zgodi vsakomur. Da je vse, kar moramo storiti je, da jih imajo radi in so primeri, do njih po naših najboljših močeh.

    Po pogovoru z bratom sem potem spoznal usmiljenja, mi je bilo gostovanje za sebe v zadnjem letu ali tako. Še vedno postane res težko in neprijetno, ampak sem poskušal.

    Iskreno mislil, da sem edina oseba, ki so šli skozi nekaj podobnega. Hvaležen sem, da imava drug drugega, da nasloniš in delite vsak drugi bourdens. Vesel sem, da nisem sam. Hvala za vaš primer in moči Blue.

    Morda ne veš vse odgovore na moje družine skrbi, ampak nikoli nisem mogel zanikati zelo osebne in posebne izkušnje, ki sem jih imel in kar sem čutil, da me vedno vodijo stran od tega evangelija.

  11. Valerie
    09:27 na 21. maj 2010

    Wow! Kaj misel izzivalen članek! To je tvoja dolgo izgubljeni prijatelj iz odraščanja, Blue. Hotela sem ti povedati, da občudujem vašo vero in pogum toliko. Se lahko učimo tako veliko od naših življenjskih izkušenj. Jaz sem pravi primer ob življenje ne izkaže ravno tako sem načrtoval. To je tako osvežujoče videti nekoga kot si ti prinašajo težke izkušnje okoli in postali močnejši v veri in bolj pametno v perspektivi, ki je živel z njo. Hvala za pomoč moje pričevanje, ki ga daje mi še eno opozorilo, da je življenje tisto, kar nam bo uspelo.

  12. Anne
    11:06 na 22. maj 2010

    Najlepša hvala za delitev vaše izkušnje. Sem v zelo podobni situaciji zdaj. Gledam mojega moža tanek kabel vere zelo ohlapno ga držite v cerkev, in je videti zelo blizu, da postane popolnoma odrezani. Cenim vpoglede ste v skupni rabi. Glavni občutek sem dobil iz Duha, je, da ga preprosto ljubezen in upanje. Jaz, kot si ti, ne vem, kako se bo vse to konča, toda na koncu je Kristus noče dati gor na tiste, ki so najdražje za nas. Pošiljam ti veliko ljubezni, kot kolega sestro v evangeliju

  13. Cath
    19:07 na 23. maj 2010

    Čestitam vam za vašo vero in način soobstaja z ljubeznijo svojega moža. Čeprav mora biti ta dinamika zahtevna, mislim, da ste uspešno lepo. In počne točno tisto, kar bi moral Bog naredil. Ti si inspiracija. Čeprav ne borijo z isto sojenja, vem, da veliko žensk v podobnem položaju. Prepričan sem, da tvoje besede in zgodba bo dvig veliko. Hvala, ker si dovolj pogumen, da deliti. In da to storite s tako iskrenostjo.

  14. John
    02:04 na 24. maj 2010

    Spoštovani Blue, lahko nanašajo na vašo zgodbo, čeprav ne na način, kako bi lahko pričakovali. Po odraščanje v Cerkvi, gre na misijo in poročen v templju, sem zapustil cerkev približno deset let v najinem zakonu. Kot boste lahko občudovali, to ni bilo tisto, kar je moja žena se dogovorili. Kot je molila za vodstvo, je bil odgovor pa je prejela le, da me ljubiš. Kot ona pravi, je bil njen odgovor, da ni želela, da me ljubiš. Nikoli manj ona. Medtem ko Nikoli nisem pričakoval, da imajo kaj opraviti s cerkvijo še enkrat, po petnajstih letih proč nekaj, kar se je zgodilo, da me je začelo nazaj na cesto, ki je vodila v mojo morebitno vrnitev. Danes je moja žena in jaz se pripravljajo na delo v templju se začne naslednji mesec in upam, da predloži dokumentacijo, da gredo na misijo enkrat naslednje leto. Čudeži se dogajajo, čeprav ne na našem voznem redu. Naj bo vaš otrok blizu vas in jih uči evangelij. Lahko se izkaže, da so instrumenti v Gospodove roke za vložitev svojega moža nazaj v cerkev.

    Kar zadeva tiste, ki pusti nekaj prireditev v cerkveno zgodovino uničil njihovo vero, rad odgovor Davis Bitton, "je nimam pričevanje o zgodovini Cerkve ... obstajajo zvesti svetih iz poslednjih dni zgodovinarji, ki so toliko o tej temi, kot vedo vsaka anti-Mormon ali vsakogar, ki piše o tej temi iz zunanje perspektive. Z redkimi izjemami, vedo veliko, veliko več. Niso bili odpihnilo. Oni niso gnashed svoje zobe in zapuščene svojo vero. "Zgodovina je človeško prizadevanje, da je treba nujno vključiti perspektivo nekoga. Predstavljajte si, kaj bi Mormonova knjiga je kot iz vidika Lamanci namesto nefijskega Prophets. Bi bilo presenečenje ali šok, da se naučijo, da jih drugače videli iste dogodke? Ki bi bil bolj natančen prikaz, kaj "pravzaprav" se je zgodilo? Kako lahko resnično povem zagotovo, kaj se je dejansko zgodilo? Tudi če bi bilo nekako mogoče, da je očividec, smo lahko prepričani, da smo videli vse, kar je, in o njih poročati in razumeti vsa stališča natančno? Ali sem lahko povsem "cilj"? Ne verjamem, da je to le mogoče. Medtem ko pričakujem, da večina vseh nas imate vprašanja o stvareh, ki so se zgodile v preteklosti, ali v lastni družini ali v zvezi zgodovinske dogodke ali ljudi, lahko naša radovednost morali počakati do tistega dne, ko smo doživeli Božjo različico "You Are There" ki vključuje možnost, da se glasi narodi misli in razumeti njihove motive kot tudi opazovati svoja dejanja. Do takrat, jaz nimam pričevanje cerkvene zgodovine - ali nobene zgodovine za to zadevo. To ne pomeni, da sem vse vrgel ven, samo da razumem omejitve in je treba biti previden s sklepi naredim na njej temelji. Zahvaljujem se Gospodu, da nisem sodnik vsakogar, ki temelji na tisto, kar je na voljo v zgodovinskih knjigah.

    Mislim, da vaša analiza o pomenu molitve in preučevanje svetih spisov je pravilna. Kot je dejal Alma: »... če ste doživeli spremembo v srcu, in če ste se počutil, da pojejo pesem odrešujoče ljubezni, bi vas prosil, vi se lahko počutijo tako da zdaj« (Al 05:26) Pričanje ni dogodek toliko, kot je to način življenja. Moramo biti pripravljeni, da zahteva, da knock, povabiti Boga v naše življenje, ne enkrat, ampak na redni osnovi. V mojem primeru, da ne samo, da ni počel te stvari, ampak sem zabaval idejo, da sem bil usodno pomanjkljiva, nevredni in brezupno pogubljena. Medtem ko se je, da ni spremenila, se je moje razumevanje kesanje in pokoro mi je pomagal doumele nujnost rešitelja in zahtevala njegovo pomočjo, da lahko samo On je dal.

    Maj Bog vas blagoslovi!

  15. Alyson (New England Living)
    12:04 na 3. junij 2010

    Obožujem Blue! Imam že dalj časa, vendar to pomeni, da me ljubiš vse več! Kaj neverjetno potovanje. Res lahko poistoveti s tako za vas in vašega moža. Še vedno sem sredi mojega krizi vere in sem lahko povsem razumem njegovo stališče in ne morem razumeti vaše preveč. Želim, da bi ne glede na vero imam delo. Rad bi videl to stvar skozi, če bom lahko.

    Ne verjamem, da vsak od nas resnično razumejo, kako se bodo stvari uredili na drugi strani. Mislim, da igra je mišljeno, da ostane skrivnost za nas, ampak res mi je tvoj odnos ter izgradnja vse, kar lahko naredimo je nadzorovati svoje vedenje in prepričanja in ostalo, kar potrebujete, da samo sprejema in ne poskušajte spremeniti.

    Vi ste neverjetno žensko, Blue!

  16. dc
    14:23 na 7. junij 2010

    Oh bog. Najlepša hvala. Prejšnji teden me je moj fant od šestih mesecev, ki je tudi moj najboljši prijatelj veliko dlje, kot je, je povedal, da ni prepričan, če verjame v Boga več. Šel sem naprej in nazaj med občutkom, kot da sem moral prekiniti, da vedo, kaj je bolečina, bi to povzročilo, da me spustiš, kar imamo. Zdaj, moje misli in občutki so, da ne moremo nadzorovati druge, in ne vemo prihodnost. Vse kar vem je to, kar sem do sedaj doživel, tako da je tisto, kar moram iti off. Torej, bom ostal ob strani, dokler me bo pustil. Upajmo, da je to za vedno.

  17. Whitney Johnson
    20:58 na 8. julij 2010

    To je bil čudovit intervju. Hvala Bleu za delitev svojo zgodbo.

  18. Todd147
    08:07 na 5. avgust 2010

    Hvala za delitev svojo zgodbo.

    Tako kot so faze v naši fizični rasti obstajajo postopka na duhovni razvoj. To je pravzaprav čisto normalno zorenja žganja, da zavrne organizirane religije na neki točki. Z vašo pomočjo, lahko najde Boga znova.

  19. Michelle
    08:02 na 25. oktober 2010

    Priznam, da sem se nagibajo, da vidim stvari kot "črni ali beli barvi." Mislim, da sem bil vedno tak. Ampak, kot sem že naleteli ljudje borijo z njihovo vero, vključno s svojimi brati in sestrami, sem začel razumeti, da je čisti genij, pa tudi ljubezen, pravičnost in usmiljenje, vožnja načrt odrešenja. Obstaja način, vedno pot, ne glede na to, kako nemogoče se zdi, da naših omejenih glavah, da se vrnete v Kristusu.

    Moj starejši brat je naredil samomor pred 11 leti in sem mislil, da je to konec njegove duše na prvi. Ampak, kot sem prišel, da bodo imeli spravo me celjenja, sem vedel, da mora obstajati način za to, da še vedno pozdravi mojega brata - tudi na drugi strani.

    Mormonova knjiga opisuje spravo kot "neskončno in večno" in Nauka in zavez 138 govori o V. 58 "mrtve, ki se pokesajo bodo odkupljene, skozi poslušnosti odlokov o Božje hiše,
    59 In ko so ga plačali kazen svojih prestopkov in se umil, prejme nagrado v skladu s svojimi deli, saj so dediči odrešenja. "

    Celoten Ta načrt je tako zapleten in ogromna in tako vseobsegajoča in tako čudovita in JOY-polni, da sem se naučil, da ni treba skrbeti toliko. Tako kot modra in številni komentarji so rekli: bistvo je, za nas izšlo naše odrešenje in obožujejo vsi ostali.

    I've always loved a phrase that Pres. Monson said years ago, “Membership [in the Church] is more about who has your heart than who has your records.” It motivates me to not only live the Mormon life but to really feel it and experience it — for my membership to more than a number, but a truly sanctifying experience. My younger brother has also lost his faith and he has a beautiful heart. And as long as he's my brother (which is permanent), I will love him (forever!). I just want him to be happy. I'm not sure that unhappily going through the motions is the right thing to do anymore. I'm not sure that severing ties is right either. Of course, in the end, we just want them to have faith that can qualify for the Kingdom. In the meantime, if they feel our love and support, they will hopefully feel that ownership and empowerment to find out who they are and what life means to them, and somehow — even if it's by a route we'd rather not take — find themselves back in the healing arms of the Savior.

    Thanks for this amazing article!

  20. Elisa
    7:10 am on October 26th, 2010

    Thank you for sharing, Blue. It is amazing how similar our stories are. I too waited for my husband while he was on his mission. We were married in the temple as soon as possible when he got back. 10 years later he left the church after studying and intellectualizing himself out of the church.
    We have been married 15 years now and it has been a struggle for our 5 boys who have had to find their own testimonies and do what they think is right.
    The difference between us is that my husband fully believes in God and is now a Baptist preacher.
    I have gone through the same struggles of self pity, finding my own testimony to rely on, and getting council from those who can see the bigger picture.
    Each Bishop I have talked to has given me the same counsel as I have read here. Love him. As my husband continues to make choices that are not in line with what I believe that might teach my kids a different example than what I might want them to have, I just have to pray, trust in my Heavenly Father to strengthen myself and the boys, and just love my husband. There is nothing gained from judging where he is at. None of us are perfect and maybe his sins are just more transparent than mine.
    Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that I am not alone in this lonely journey.
    ~Elisa

  21. Dori
    4:13 pm on October 26th, 2010

    I am very touched by your story and I can relate to the feelings you had when you realized that your husband wasn't who you thought he was anymore. I don't feel so alone anymore in my burden of silence. Nobody seems to understand that there are layers upon layers of accepting that kind of reality. So grateful for this tender mercy of indirect understanding.

  22. Tonia Ewell-Thomas
    5:43 pm on October 28th, 2010

    Blue,
    Thank you for your story. After the death of our son, Charles, my husband worked very hard in the church so that we could go to the temple and be sealed as a family.
    Later he fell into an awful depression. He is now drinking himself silly on a nightly basis. I have been counseled concerning divorce but I still stay. My children are now teenagers and both are special needs. Sometimes I just want to leave them all and wash my hands of them but I know that God will guide me if I let him. I go to church alone and I go to the temple with the ward. I miss my family but “God will force no man to Heaven”. Thanks for your story.

  23. Relda
    12:19 am on November 3rd, 2010

    Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I feel great comfort in hearing it tonight. My son struggles with his own testimony as a newly-wed. It is painful for both of us as I continue to ask him if he is attending church on Sundays with his new bride. My prayer is always-for his happiness and personal understanding of just who our Heavenly Father is. I will love my son with all of my heart, forever…continually hoping that he will eventually come to know God. I daily feel such gratitude for the Comforter-easing my sadness as a mother.

  24. Sherry
    2:08 pm on January 27th, 2011

    My mother has been growing through your same ordeal for twenty years. My father left the church when I was a little girl, together with much of my family (not all at the same time). I have left too. I believe in God, but I have never been blessed with faith in the gospel of the Church. It didn't help that many of the most dedicated Mormons I grew up with were self-righteous, unkind, and looked down on my mother because of my father. I hate to think of people judging her, because she is the most generous and loving person in the world, I wish I could be just like her, and I know she still believes in the Church. So be strong and know that you are not alone at all. Know finally that it is NOT your fault if your husband/ child leaves the church! Everyone must decide for him or herself. I also hope that you will stay together with your husband, because he still needs your love and support.

  25. Brenda
    4:52 pm on June 13th, 2011

    Hvala za delitev tega. You are a beautiful person!

  26. Anon
    6:23 am on August 15th, 2011

    Hvala. It's nice to hear from others who understand. There are MANY of us in this situation. Good luck to your family and many blessings. Love is the only answer here.

  27. Shelly
    4:49 pm on September 13th, 2011

    This past Fast Sunday, my husband was asked, out of the blue, to bear his testimony in Elder's Q. I wasn't there, but our HT told me what Ken said in his testimony. Ken basically said his testimony was different and would shock some. He said he had a testimony of Jesus Christ, but not of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. For many years he has said he wanted to stop attending. And in his own right he has. Temple worship has stopped and he would not let me go. We went, at my begging, no our Stake Temple night. It was refreshing, but on the way home, he basically said it was a waste of time.

    I loved the answer to your prayer: To love him. In my Patriarchal Blessing, the last part tells me to use the power of love to keep my family together. I have my answer more than ever. I struggle due to the treatment he gives me, but I know what I need to do.

  28. Tanya
    5:04 pm on September 13th, 2011

    This exact same thing happened to me while I was pregnant with our first baby about 4 years ago. I experienced basically the exact same feelings and thoughts as you describe. I've always felt totally alone with this burden. The same week my husband told me he no longer wanted to have anything to do with the church (in a very unkind way, I might add) my best friends' husband was killed in an accident. I remember wishing we could change places. I remember the whole world seemingly rallying around her with support in contrast with my bishop telling me not to tell anyone about my situation. I wish I'd had this article available to me then.

    Things have gotten better between my husband and I and we now have two beautiful babies. My faith in the gospel has never diminished but it is exhausting and emotional for me to go to church without my husband so we don't make it very often. I feel guilty about it every Sunday and am still pretty bitter about the whole thing… Finding forgiveness is something I'm working on.

  29. Going Through the Journey
    7:44 am on October 12th, 2011

    Hvala za delitev tega. I am going through my own journey of sorts as well as my sister. My sister's husband told her that he only got active so she would marry him and he actually did not believe any of the church or its teachings. My husband told me after 18 months of marriage that he had a drug problem. He has since become sober but he has struggled with tabacco, coffee and his faith. He still goes to church most the time and wants to believe but I still don't know what the outcome will be.

    I think one of the most difficult parts of this journey is that there is such a little support system. That we, as members, feel like we have to keep it all secret. That it is not accepted at all. Fortunately my sister confided in me so we have the chance to speak to each other but we both feel very alone in the fact that we can't or don't feel comfortable speaking to others at church about it.

    I am still struggling with the emotions. In the beginning I felt betrayed by God. I got married later in life and kept myself pure and rejected several non-members and members who weren't living up to the standards. I felt like I had kept my end of the bargain and why weren't the promised blessings given to me?

    But I am starting to accept all of it and realize that God has a plan for me. When my husband told my Bishop he had a drug problem he was so worried that he would get excommunicated but the Bishop told him it was worse that he lied about it and that many people have addictions. We were both surprised about the love and forgiveness we felt and the non-judgmental way he reacted and that helped my husband to get sober. I realized God is very forgiving as well. It has also caused me to realize that sometime self-righteousness and judging can be just as sinful if not more, at times than disobeying the word of wisdom or having a lack of faith.

    My husband has since then always been honest with himself and me. We are extremely happy in our marriage and with our kids and learning to communicate about our faith. It helps to talk about it often. I know things will work out somehow, someday. Thanks for sharing this and opening a discussion that is much needed in our church right now.

  30. Leigh
    11:07 am on September 20th, 2012

    Blue,
    Thank you so so much for sharing your story. I realize after reading it and this thread how I am not nearly as alone as I have felt recently. I am 21 years old and have been married for a little over a year. My husband served a mission in the church and shortly after we were engaged and married in the temple.
    Not long ago he confessed to me that he no longer believes in the church. This was a really hard thing for me to swallow as grew up with this idea that we would spend our lives as a faithful, cute little Mormon couple who spends our time going to the temple and who plan to go on a mission together someday. I was heartbroken and it was extremely hard for me to figure out what to do. I have been praying for guidance and many impressions have entered my mind, however none have brought more peace to my heart than when I realized that I need to just love him and support him. I am currently having my own struggles as well with some of the church's history, but whether the church is true or not, I know that I will be alright and it will all work out in the end if I continue to endure and rely on our Heavenly Father. Thank you once again for telling your story and for in turn bringing me comfort and confirming the answer I've received.
    It is my hope that this will be acknowledged more within the church so that others struggling with this type of situation will know that they are not alone!

  31. Judith
    11:00 pm on June 15th, 2013

    Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate the comments, particularly the ones made by President Monson and Davis Bitton.

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